Ryan, who has an anxious attachment style, has a sixth sense for
attachment-related cues; he is very much in tune with the small details
related to his girlfriend’s availability: He paid attention to how many times
the phone rang before going to voice-mail. He correctly concluded that
Shauna hit the “ignore” button and then turned off her phone, cues that
might have gone unnoticed by someone with a different attachment style.
He was especially sensitive because he was used to having Shauna three
offices down from his, and this was his first trip with his new firm.
Fortunately for Ryan, Shauna has a secure attachment style and was able,
without much effort, to effectively respond to him, reestablish contact, and
calm his attachment system. Unlike Emily, Ryan did not find himself in the
relationship danger zone, because his anxieties were met by reassurance.
Notice that if you feel unsettled in a relationship situation, all that is
required is a minimal reassurance from your partner—one text message in
Shauna’s case—to get back on track. But if you don’t get that reassurance,
your worries about the relationship will quadruple, and it will take a lot
more than a simple text to calm your attachment system. This is a very
important insight for anyone in a relationship. The more attuned you are to
your partner’s needs at the early stages—and he or she to yours—the less
energy you will need to expend attending to him or her later.
In fact, had Shauna not reacted as she had, Ryan would have continued to
find it hard to concentrate at work (activating strategies), and would
probably have either acted distant or exploded on the phone (protest
behavior) when she eventually did call. All of which would have been very
destructive for the relationship.
Protest Behavior—Letting Your Attachment System Get
the Best of You
Excessive attempts to reestablish contact:- Calling, texting, or e-mailing many times, waiting for a phone
call, loitering by your partner’s workplace in hopes of