Understanding the attachment system is crucial for people with an anxious
attachment style. Therein lies their chance for a happy, fulfilling
relationship.
We’ve divided our guidance for people with an anxious attachment style
into two separate routes—the first is for those of you who are unattached.
Finding a secure partner in the first place is the best option available for you
if you are single. It can work like magic to prevent hardship before it even
starts—but going secure might be trickier than you think. The rest of this
chapter is dedicated to directing singles with an anxious attachment style
toward a secure partner, avoiding pitfalls on the way. The second route is
for anyone who has an anxious attachment style—both those currently in a
relationship and those who are still on the lookout for the right partner. It
entails reshaping your attachment working models—basically rethinking
your attitudes and beliefs about relationships from an attachment
perspective—as a segue toward retooling yourself with more secure
relationship skills. Parts Three and Four are dedicated to this second group.
THE SECRET TO FINDING A GOOD RELATIONSHIP IF
YOU ARE ANXIOUS
Emily, who you met at the beginning of the chapter, was unaware of
attachment science. She didn’t know that she had an anxious attachment
style. She was also unaware that the man she was obsessed with, David, had
an avoidant attachment style. If she had known, she would have understood
that being anxious means that she thrives on intimate, supportive
relationships that are stable and long-lasting, and that uncertainty and
emotional unavailability get her activated and preoccupied, or in a word,
miserable. She would also have known that certain people—namely,
avoidants—intensify her worries and feelings of inadequacy, while others—
secures—pacify them. Emily, like most anxious people, paradoxically often
ends up dating people with an avoidant attachment style even though
findings in adult attachment make a clear case for people with an anxious