style going well with secures. Why is this so? And most important, how can
you find happiness and avoid unnecessary heartache?
GRAVITATIONAL PULL?
A number of studies have looked into the question of whether we are
attracted to people based on their attachment style or ours. Two researchers
in the field of adult attachment, Paula Pietromonaco, of the University of
Massachusetts, and Katherine Carnelley, of the University of Southampton
in the UK, found that avoidant individuals actually prefer anxiously
attached people. Another study, by Jeffry Simpson of the University of
Minnesota, showed that anxious women are more likely to date avoidant
men. Is it possible, then, that people who guard their independence with
ferocity would seek the partners most likely to impinge on their autonomy?
Or that people who seek closeness are attracted to people who want to push
them away? And if so, why?
Pietromonaco and Carnelley believe that these attachment styles actually
complement each other in a way. Each reaffirms the other’s beliefs about
themselves and about relationships. The avoidants’ defensive self-
perception that they are strong and independent is confirmed, as is the belief
that others want to pull them into more closeness than they are comfortable
with. The anxious types find that their perception of wanting more intimacy
than their partner can provide is confirmed, as is their anticipation of
ultimately being let down by significant others. So, in a way, each style is
drawn to reenact a familiar script over and over again.
THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER
But there’s another reason you might be attracted to an avoidant partner if
you are anxious. In Emily’s case, David’s subtle indicators of uncertainty
and unavailability made her feel insecure. This is often what happens, even
very early in the relationship, if you are anxious and dating an avoidant.
Quite soon into the relationship you start to get mixed signals. He (or she)