Conclusion: People with a secure attachment style take a very long
time to reappear in the dating pool, if at all.- Studies have found that avoidants are unlikely to be in a relationship
with other avoidants, because they lack the emotional glue to stay
together. In fact, one study that looked at dating couples didn’t find
even one pair that was avoidant-avoidant. Conclusion: Avoidants
don’t date each other; they are more likely to date people with
different attachment styles.
Now let’s put the pieces of this puzzle together.
When you meet someone new, the probability that they have an avoidant
attachment style is high—much higher than their relative size in the
population—25 percent. Not only are they recycled back into the dating
pool more quickly, but they are not dating one another (at least not for
long), nor are they dating secure people, that much because secures are less
available. Who are they meeting? That’s right: You and other potential
partners with an anxious attachment style.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO MEET SOMEONE
SECURE?
Let’s say you get past the statistical obstacles and do meet someone secure.
Do you realize you’ve stumbled upon a gold mine or do you let it pass you
by? Several years ago Rachel tried to set up her neighbor Chloe with her
acquaintance Trevor—a real (secure) catch. Trevor, then in medical school,
was looking to meet someone new after his girlfriend of ten years left him.
He had been with her from the age of 18 to 28. He hadn’t wanted to break
up even though she was always discontented; finally she left him. He was
very sad for a long while but was ready to start dating again. Trevor was
very good-looking, had a great sense of humor, and was a superb athlete.
He was strong-willed and stable and came from a well-to-do, educated
family. All the traits you would want in a partner, right?
Not quite. Chloe met him once and was utterly uninterested. She
conceded that he was very handsome and even attractive, but “the spark