9781529032178

was missing.” At the time, Rachel was dumbfounded. She didn’t understand
why she was turning him down.
In hindsight, we do understand: If you are anxious, the reverse of what
happens when you meet someone avoidant happens when you meet
someone secure. The messages that come across from someone secure are
very honest, straightforward, and consistent. Secures are not afraid of
intimacy and know they are worthy of love. They don’t have to beat around
the bush or play hard to get. Ambiguous messages are out of the mix, as are
tension and suspense. As a result, your attachment system remains
relatively calm. Because you are used to equating an activated attachment
system with love, you conclude that this can’t be “the one” because no bells
are going off. You associate a calm attachment system with boredom and
indifference. Because of this fallacy you might let the perfect partner pass
you by.
Chloe had to go through terrible hardship because she assumed an
activated attachment system was a prerequisite for love. Tony, who
eventually became her husband, seemed confident and intriguing at first,
but he never missed a chance to put her down.
Luckily, both Trevor’s and Chloe’s stories have happy endings. Trevor
did not stay available for long. He quickly found a great partner and they
have been together ever since. They traveled around the world, got married,
and had a couple of kids. He is a wonderful father and husband. Chloe had a
harder time, but after several years of agony with Tony, she got her act
together and learned to appreciate the stability and love of a secure partner.
She divorced Tony and later met Bruce, who is as loving and caring as
Trevor.
Anyone can have a happy ending like that. It’s not entirely up to chance.
The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and mistake an
activated attachment system for passion or love. Don’t let emotional
unavailability turn you on.

If You’re Anxious, You Should Be Dating Someone

Secure Because: