can enjoy the thrill and closeness you naturally project when you are
together without having to consider your needs for intimacy and
togetherness the rest of the time. By being someone you’re not, you’re
allowing another to be with you on his or her own terms and come and go
as s/he pleases.
Another problem is that if this type of game playing is only an act for
you, it’s going to backfire in the long run. First, your avoidant partner will
quickly catch on to you—they are good at detecting people who want to
impinge on their autonomy. Second, eventually you’ll think it’s time to let
your true colors show. After all, what you really want is to reach a high
degree of intimacy, to spend a lot of quality time together, to be able to let
down your guard. But you’ll find that when you do so, your avoidant
partner will suddenly get cold feet and start to disengage. Either way, you
lose, because you are attracting the wrong kind of partner for you.
A COACHING SESSION FOR THE ANXIOUS
ATTACHMENT STYLE ON A DATE
- Acknowledge and accept your true relationship needs.
Do we recommend that you do all the pursuing, fulfill your partner’s
every wish, and call incessantly? Definitely not. We suggest a completely
different approach. It stems from the understanding that you—given your
anxious attachment style—have certain clear needs in a relationship. If
those needs are not met, you cannot be truly happy. The key to finding a
mate who can fulfill those needs is to first fully acknowledge your need for
intimacy, availability, and security in a relationship—and to believe that
they are legitimate. They aren’t good or bad, they are simply your needs.
Don’t let people make you feel guilty for acting “needy” or “dependent.”
Don’t be ashamed of feeling incomplete when you’re not in a relationship,
or for wanting to be close to your partner and to depend on him.
Next, use this knowledge. Start assessing people you date on the basis of
their ability to meet those needs. Instead of thinking how you can change