absolutely devastated and couldn’t stop thinking about him for many
months. She wouldn’t even consider dating anyone else because she still
felt so connected to him. Six months later, as though in answer to her
prayers, Brian called her and wanted to get back together again. Of course
Janet was elated. A couple of weeks into the renewed relationship, Amir
asked her how it was going. She said that they were taking things very slow
and she was letting him set the pace, as she had in the past. She knew he
was afraid of commitment, and she didn’t want to scare him away again.
Amir strongly suggested that instead of falling into the same pattern that
Brian set the first time, this time she should make her wishes absolutely
clear. After all, he was the one who wanted to get back together, and he had
to prove he had changed and was worthy of her love. Amir suggested
spelling things out point-blank, as in “I love you very much; I need to know
that you are there for me all the time. I want to know I can talk to you every
day and not just when it’s convenient for you. I don’t want to have to cover
up my wish to spend time with you for fear of driving you away.”
But Janet believed that if she held out long enough, giving him his space
and plenty of time, he would learn to appreciate her. That if she played it
cool and self-assured, he would be more attracted to her. Perhaps not
surprisingly, Janet’s relationship with Brian slowly deteriorated until it
finally fizzled out completely. He called less and less, continued to do as he
wished without taking her well-being into account, and finally disappeared
without even a real break-up talk. If Janet had let her authentic self shine
through and used effective communication to voice her feelings and needs,
she would have ended the sad ordeal much earlier, knowing she had given it
her best shot but that Brian was simply incapable of providing what she
needed. Or else Brian would have understood from day one that if he was
serious about getting back together, he was going to have to rise to the
occasion and take Janet’s needs into account. He would know exactly what
was expected of him, no guesswork required.
(For more about how to voice your authentic self using effective
communication, see chapter 11.)
- The abundance philosophy.