9781529032178

As we discussed earlier in the chapter, there are a disproportionate
number of avoidants in the dating pool. Another useful step for successfully
maneuvering through the pool is what we call the abundance (or “plenty of
fish in the sea”) philosophy—understanding that there are many unique and
wonderful individuals out there who may be superb partners for you. Try
giving several people a chance, without settling on one person very early
on, making sure to give a wide berth to those with potential smoking guns.
This calls for a crucial change in your anxious thinking. You tend to
assume that meeting someone suitable is an unlikely occurrence, but it
doesn’t have to be that way. There are many charming, intelligent people
out there who can make you happy, but there are also many who are not
right for you. The only way to make sure that you meet potential soul mates
is to go out with a lot of people. It’s a simple law of probability—the more
you meet, the greater the chances you’ll find the one who is a good match
for you.
But it’s much more than just a probability issue. If you have an anxious
attachment style, you tend to get attached very quickly, even just on the
basis of physical attraction. One night of sex or even just a passionate kiss
and, boom, you already can’t get that person out of your mind. As you
know, once your attachment system is activated, you begin to crave the
other person’s closeness and will do anything in your power to make it
work even before you really get to know him/her and decide whether you
like that person or not! If you are seeing only him/her, the result is that at a
very early stage you lose your ability to judge whether he or she is really
right for you.
By using the abundance philosophy, you maintain your ability to evaluate
potential partners more objectively. What you are actually doing is
desensitizing your attachment system and tricking it into being easier on
you. Your system will no longer get so easily activated by one person
because it will be busy evaluating the availability of a lot of different
people, and you won’t be as likely to obsess about anyone in particular. You
can quickly rule out people if they make you feel insecure or inadequate,
because you haven’t built all your hopes on them. Why would you waste
time with someone who is unkind to you when you have several other
potential partners lined up who treat you like royalty?