When you’re seeing several people—which has become very feasible in
the Internet and Facebook age—it also becomes easier to make your needs
and wishes clear; you’re not afraid that by doing so you’ll chase away a rare
prospect; you don’t have to tiptoe around or hide your true feelings. This
allows you to see whether someone is able to meet your needs before you
reach the point of no return.
Nicky, 31, was an extreme case for whom this approach to dating worked
like magic. Nicky was attractive, social, and witty, yet she rarely made it
past the first few days or weeks of a relationship. She had a highly anxious
attachment style; she craved intimacy and closeness but was so convinced
that she would never meet anyone that being alone had become a self-
fulfilling prophecy.
In romantic situations, she was very sensitive and got easily hurt and
would act defensively, not returning phone calls and remaining silent (using
protest behavior) until the relationship would reach a dead end. Later she
would torment herself by turning things over and over in her mind (an
activating strategy). It would be very difficult for her to let go and move on.
Also, by keeping silent and not calling, Nicky seemed to attract a string of
avoidant men who felt more comfortable with the lack of communication.
But Nicky was not happy.
Finally, at our suggestion, she told all her friends to keep an eye out for
potential prospects and also signed up for several online dating services.
She started meeting lots of new people, thereby increasing her odds of
meeting the right man—a secure man. Dating many people and not having
time to get too anxious over any one particular prospect brought about a
change in her attitude. Whereas before, she saw every man that she met and
liked (and she was picky) as her last chance to find happiness, now
prospects were plentiful. It’s not that she didn’t experience disappointments;
some men didn’t even get past the first date for one reason or another. But
what did change were her anxious thought patterns—her working model for
relationships:
- She saw hard evidence that many people found her attractive, even if
they didn’t turn out to be the perfect match. So she no longer
interpreted unsuccessful dates as proof of some deep-seated problem
in her. Her self-confidence increased greatly and it showed.