- When someone she was interested in started to disengage or act
avoidant, she found it much easier to simply move on without losing
precious time. She could say to herself, “This person is just not right
for me, but the next one might be.” - When she met someone she really liked, she obsessed about him less
and didn’t resort as much to protest behavior. Gone (or at least
reduced) were the oversensitivity and the defensiveness that made
her act in self-defeating ways.
A year after her dating experiment began, she met George. He was warm
and loving and he adored her. She allowed herself to open up and be
vulnerable with him. These days she often jokes that in a strange twist of
fate (although she knows she took an active part in making fate happen),
among her friends—many of whom were in long-term relationships since
college—she wound up having the happiest, most secure relationship of all!
- Give secure people a chance.
But the abundance philosophy loses its effectiveness if you fail to
recognize a keeper when you find one. Once you’ve recognized someone
you’ve met as secure, remember not to make impulsive decisions about
whether s/he is right for you. Remind yourself that you might feel bored at
first—after all, there is less drama when your attachment system isn’t
activated. Give it some time. Chances are, if you are anxious, you will
automatically interpret calmness in the relationship as a lack of attraction. A
habit of years is not easy to shed. But if you hold out a little longer, you
may start to appreciate a calm attachment system and all the advantages it
has to offer.
Beware: Attachment Stereotyping
By dividing attachment behavior along gender lines, we can fall into
the common trap of equating avoidance with masculinity. Research