findings, however, prove that there are many men who are far from
being avoidant—they communicate freely, are loving and
affectionate, do not retreat during conflict, and are consistently there
for their partner (i.e., are secure). Another misperception is that we
associate the anxious attachment style with femininity when in fact
most women are secure and there are plenty of men who have an
anxious attachment style. However, it is important to keep in mind
that there are also women who fit the avoidant description. When it
comes to attachment and gender, the most important fact to
remember is that the majority of the population—both male and
female—are secure.A FINAL WORD
A final word for you—the anxious reader. There is no one for whom
attachment theory has more to offer than men and women with an anxious
attachment style. Although you suffer the consequences of a bad match and
an activated attachment system more intensely, you also stand to gain the
most from understanding how the attachment system works, which
relationships have the capacity to make you happy, and which situations can
make you a nervous wreck. We have witnessed people who have managed
to walk away from loneliness to find the companionship they longed for,
using the principles outlined in this chapter. We’ve also witnessed people
who have been in long-term relationships that brought out the worst in
them, but understanding and utilizing attachment principles marked the
beginning of a new phase of their relationship—a more secure phase.