years. “I’m absolutely positive,” he assured Gallien, “I won’t run
into anything I can’t deal with on my own.”After parting from Gallien, Chris crosses a frozen river and ventures deep
into the bush where he’s completely isolated from the outside world. For
several months, Chris makes it on his own, foraging and hunting for food.
The next spring, however, when he tries to return home, he discovers the
river is swollen with rain and melting snow, and the current is so strong that
he’s unable to cross back into civilization. Left with no other choice, Chris
returns to his base camp, where he ultimately dies. In his last days of life,
he makes the following entry in his journal: “Happiness only real when
shared.”
Metaphorically speaking, we view people with an avoidant attachment
style as lonesome travelers on the journey of life and relationships. Like
Chris, they idealize a life of self-sufficiency and look down upon
dependency. If you have an avoidant attachment style, the lesson Chris
ultimately learned—that experiences are only meaningful when shared with
others—is key to your happiness as well.
In this chapter, we look at the ways in which you, the lonesome traveler,
manage to keep your distance even when you’re with someone you love.
We help you gain insight into why you behave as you do in relationships
and how that behavior is stopping you from finding true happiness in your
romantic connections. If you belong to the remaining three-quarters of the
population, chances are that you know—or may someday get involved with
—someone avoidant. This chapter will help you understand why they act as
they do.
A Survival Advantage Can’t Buy You Love
It’s believed that each attachment style evolved in order to increase
the survival chances of humans in a particular environment. The
secure attachment style has worked best, because throughout history
our ancestors lived predominantly in close-knit groups where
working together was by far the best way to secure their future and