threats of separation. Only when your mental energy is needed elsewhere
and you are caught off guard, however, do these emotions and feelings
emerge.
These studies also tell us that avoidants such as Susan aren’t such free
spirits after all; it is the defensive stance that they adopt that makes them
seem that way. In Susan’s account, notice how she makes a point of putting
down those who depend on their significant others. Other studies have
found that faced with a stressful life event, such as divorce, the birth of a
severely disabled child, or military trauma, avoidants’ defenses are quick to
break down and they then appear and behave just like people with an
anxious attachment style.
TOGETHER BUT APART: THE COMPROMISE THAT
SATISFIES NO ONE
So how do people with an avoidant attachment style suppress their
attachment needs and maintain a distance in their relationships? Let’s take a
closer look at the various techniques they use to keep their distance from
the person closest to them—from everyday deactivating strategies to
overarching perceptions and beliefs.
- Mike, 27, has spent the last five years with someone that he feels is
not his intellectual equal. They love each other very much, but
there’s always an underlying dissatisfaction in Mike’s mind about
the relationship. He has a lingering feeling that something is missing
and that someone better is just around the corner. - Kaia, 31, lives with her boyfriend of two years but still reminisces
about the freedom she enjoyed when she was single. She seems to
have forgotten that, in actuality, she was very lonely and depressed
on her own. - Stavros, 40, a handsome and suave entrepreneur, desperately wants to
get married and have kids. He knows exactly what he’s looking for
in a wife. She has to be young—no more than 28—good-looking,
career-oriented, and no less important, she must be willing to move