back with him to his hometown in Greece. After more than ten years
of dating, he still hasn’t found her.- Tom, 49, married for decades to a woman he once worshipped, now
feels trapped and seizes every possible opportunity to do things on
his own—whether taking solo trips or attending events with male
friends.
All of these people have one thing in common: an avoidant attachment
style. They feel a deep-rooted aloneness, even while in a relationship.
Whereas people with a secure attachment style find it easy to accept their
partners, flaws and all, to depend on them, and to believe that they’re
special and unique—for avoidant people such a stance is a major life
challenge. If you’re avoidant, you connect with romantic partners but
always maintain some mental distance and an escape route. Feeling close
and complete with someone else—the emotional equivalent of finding a
home—is a condition that you find difficult to accept.
DEACTIVATING STRATEGIES—YOUR EVERYDAY
TOOLKIT FOR KEEPING YOUR PARTNER AT ARM’S
LENGTH (OR MORE)
Although Mike, Kaia, Stavros, and Tom use different methods to disengage
from their partners, they’re all employing techniques known as deactivating
strategies. A deactivating strategy is any behavior or thought that is used to
squelch intimacy. These strategies suppress our attachment system, the
biological mechanism in our brains responsible for our desire to seek
closeness with a preferred partner. Remember the experiment in which
researchers showed that avoidants have the need for closeness in a
relationship but make a concerted effort to repress it? Deactivating
strategies are the tools employed to suppress these needs on a day-to-day
basis. Examine the following list of deactivating strategies carefully. The
more you use these tools, the more alone you’ll feel and the less happy
you’ll be in your relationship.