I
T’Sa relief to do something ordinary like shop for a
refrigerator, because you know it can’t possibly get
political. The salesperson isn’t going to open the
fridge doors and say, “That plastic odor you detect
will air out, much like the fetid stench of the Oval Office
after Trump’s gone,” or some such polarizing remark. He’s
like a car salesman, except he never pats the side of the
fridge and says, “What’s it going to take to get you into
this fridge?” Well, chloroform, for starters.
Yes, everyone should shop for major appliances now and
then, just to leave behind our fractious political cacophony!
Just kidding. Everything is political. Tell people you’re
looking at a new fridge, and you’ll start an argument.
Example No. 1. Let’s pretend I’m telling Bernie Sanders
about my plans. He would wave his arms and get angry,
I expect.
“No! One! Should have a 32-cubic-foot refridguhratuh
when there are people who don’t have a place to put their
lettuce! And I’m not saying it has to be lettuce, it could be
aruguhluh. We got lots of salad greens. And that’s a good
thing! But you have people who have walk-in coolers that
are bigger than the jail cells where we put people who
have done nothing wrong but sell some marijuana, and
when I am president I will make sure that the government
helps minorities, African Americans, Hispanics to get
small-business loans so they can sell marijuana instead of
the coh-poh-rations, so they don’t go to jail. Because
that’s unfair.”
When it is pointed out that Sanders owns three fridges, he
barks, “Yes I do and I’ll tell you what I like about it, they
got ice that comes outta the door and that’s better than ICE
coming through your door, which is what we have now
with this administration.”
The result, in his first term, is an executive order that
places a Refrigerator Excess Capacity Surtax on fridges
over 23 cubic feet in size. Consumers respond by under-
reporting the actual amount of fridge space they have,
which leads to nationwide inspection of all kitchens and
severe penalties for those who have evaded the tax. Often
the fridges are cut in half on the spot and hauled off to
under-chilled communities; when these broken, useless
fridges do not solve fridge inequality, Sanders calls for a
50 percent tax on Häagan-Dasz and other premium ice
creams. (Ben and Jerry’s protests the tax and is national-
ized soon after.)
Eventually Sanders uses the Green New Deal to ban all
fridges, replacing them with iceboxes, trumpeting the cre-
ation of a network of carbon-neutral ice trucks pulled by
horses, and the many new jobs available in the iceman, or
IcePerson, field. The nation becomes reacquainted with the
icepick as a standard tool in the drawer. The Sanders reelec-
tion campaign sells an ice pick called the “Trotsky” on itswebsite; informed that the Communist was actually mur-
dered with an ice axe, Sanders says, “Pick, axe, I think
Leon got the point.”
Example No. 2. The fridge has Wi-Fi, by the way. It has
internal cameras that let you see what you have. Tell that
to the TechBro Privacy Scolds and you get an argument
as well:
“Seriously, dude, an Internet-connected fridge?
You’re asking for Big Tech to snoop on your cheese
preferences. You’re, like, giving away your information
to the Cheddar–Industrial Complex, and they’re so stu-
pid and lax there’ll be a breach, and all someone has to
do is go on the Dark Web and there it is, you like it sharp,
not mild.”
Example No. 3. Vegans, if they are the insufferable
sort, will object if the salesperson says, “This is the meat
drawer,” since that (a) suggests a carno-normative world-
view that excludes and erases the shared, lived experiences
of the plant-based community and (b) spoils the fridge
forevermore, since the taint of hypothetical meat can never
be forgotten.
This does not work the other way. The meat-eater is not
offended if the salesperson says, “This drawer keeps your
vegetables crisp,” since that means there could conceiv-
ably be vegetables in the fridge, and that’s good! In fact,
just having the drawer is a great start for healthier eating.
“It also keeps bacon crisp, too? No? Well, no harm
in asking.”
Example No. 4. The free trader might not argue. He’d say,
“Aren’t you glad you can get this amazing piece of tech-
nology for a reasonable price? The benefits of globalism!”
You: Yes, that’s nice, but on the other hand, I do hate dri-
ving by the long-abandoned refrigerator factory at the end
of town.
“It’s got a 4K finger-print-resistant touchscreen that
instantly displays your family photos!”
Yes, that’s nice, but those were good jobs, and provided
a good middle-class life for many—
“It’s got sensors that send you a text message when the
milk’s 24 hours from its expiration date, and you can’t get
that kind of price point and full suite of features when
you’re paying union wages!”
Got it, but the hollowing out of industrial regions had a
profound effect—
“Did I mention... built in fast-chiller for white wine?”
Yeah, but—say, free delivery and haul-away of the old
one? Yes? Okay, I’ll take it. I’m still troubled, although that
will quickly fade, leave me with no lasting lessons about
industrial policy, and be replaced by the peevish whines of
the effete elite when I’m at the store trying to remotely log
into my fridge and the app crashes.
Well, that’s progress. I suppose I could just use a paper
notebook—or what we’ll call an “app” after socialism
wrecks the power grid.The Apolitical Purchase
Athwart
Mr. Lileks blogs at Lileks.com.41BY JAMES LILEKS
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