56 the spectator | 29 february 2020 | http://www.spectator.co.ukLIFEReal life
Melissa Kite
Nice of the NHS to send an advisory text
about coronavirus, because I was wondering.
Is it possible to have a touch of corona-
virus? If so, the builder boyfriend and I sus-
pect we may have had it, and fought it off.
Out of nowhere, I suddenly felt like
I couldn’t get any air into my lungs. The sen-
sation was very like altitude sickness, as if
someone was holding my shoulders down.
This went on for several days until one night
I threatened to take myself to casualty with
a suspected heart attack.
Being a committed hypochondriac, I got
no sympathy at all from the BB, who told me
not to be so stupid. I went off to the spare
room in a huff and put myself to bed to die
alone, telling him he’d be sorry when he
woke up to find there was no one to wash
and cook for him.
But he was adamant I was making a fuss
over nothing, as usual. He said he had also
just had several days of feeling as though he
was fighting for every breath. It was obvious
to him that we had both had the same thing.
A virus of some sort, with slightly odd symp-
toms. No cough, no cold, no fever. Just gasp-
ing for breath like a fish out of water.
So I was interested to receive the official
guidance from my local GP surgery about
coronavirus. They texted me in what I assume
was a round robin: ‘Dear Ms Kite, if you have
been to China, Macau, Hong Kong, Thailand,
Japan, Taiwan, Singapore, Republic of Korea
or Malaysia in the last 14 days...’
Nope. I haven’t been anywhere in years,
aside from Greece last summer, and as one
of the horses managed to inexplicably keel
over while I was there — after I had spent
weeks preparing a fail-safe care regime
involving various friends conducting round-
the-clock checks while I was gone — I don’t
suppose I will be going anywhere ever again.
‘...and have a cough, high temperature
or shortness of breath...’
Well, that’s interesting because I had
assumed you had to have some or all of
those symptoms, but they do seem to be say-
ing you can have just one...
‘...even if it’s mild...’. It wasn’t mild;
I felt like I was having the air squeezed out
of me...
‘...or if you have been in close contact
with someone with confirmed coronavi-
rus...’ — here comes the good bit — ‘...then
DO NOT go to a GP surgery, community
pharmacy or hospital.’ Narcissus feels outnumberedCrikey. Then how am I to be cured?
‘Call NHS 111, stay indoors and avoid
close contact with other people.’ I wonder if
they send medical help to your house. Yes,
I’m sure that’s what happens. I’m sure they
don’t just leave you hanging on the line while
someone called Margery says, ‘What’s that,
lovey? You feel like you can’t get any air into
your lungs, lovey? You worried you might
have a touch of coronavirus? Hold the line,
lovey, I need to look at my crib sheet. Right,
I’ll just have to take you through a few secu-
rity questions first. Do you have your ten-
digit NHS number, your blood group, your
partner’s blood group and the first 17 letters
of your mother’s maiden name?’
Happily, I pretty much did stay indoors
until I felt better anyway because I couldn’t
get enough air into my lungs to facilitate
movement beyond the doorstep. It was the
most extraordinary feeling. And I didn’t go
to the GP because I very rarely do, unless it’s
something so clear cut I can simply tell them
what I require.
I did pop into the pharmacy in the vil-
lage because the only thing that made me
feel better was lying on the bed with my eyes
covered with soothing eye pads like Bubbles
DeVere in Little Britain, although I have no
idea whether the pharmacy I popped into
would be classed as a ‘community pharma-
cy’. It is a pharmacy in a community but I’m
not sure whether, in NHS speak, a pharmacy
in a community is the same thing as a ‘com-
munity pharmacy’, which may have special
political status.
When I felt able to sit up in bed and fee-
bly prod my iPhone, I put my symptoms into
Dr Google and was surprised to find that the
sensations in my lungs might be nothing to
do with the lurgy and everything to do with
having a week-long panic attack.
Is there any wonder, when I’m receiving
texts telling me that if I succumb to corona-
virus I must stay inside, nail large pieces of
crooked wood across the windows and paint
a ‘C’ on the front door until someone comes
round ringing a bell?
In any case, after several more days of
gasping, I woke up to find I could breathe
normally again.Bridge^
Janet de Botton
Bridge experts are a lovely lot. They give
their time freely and generously to encour-
age and teach students and bring bridge to
a wider, young audience. Prof Sam(antha)
Punch organised a terrific pro/am event last
week for 76 pairs and raised more than £50k
for her Keep Bridge Alive charity.
The Young Chelsea BC is launching a
major drive to recruit young players by
offering to teach bridge to every student
in London — all 375,000 of them! Bright
young stars India Leeming (who is running
the YC youth initiative) and Shazaad Natt
are organising a teaching weekend, and up
at Acol Stefan Skorchev ran his annual Invi-
tational Pairs which is becoming a must for
more experienced players.
My hand today comes from that Pairs,
won by rising young star Ankush Khandel-
wal playing with former junior whiz kid Nick
Sandqvist. Matchpoint scoring:N
W E
SWest North East South
1 ♣
Pass 1 ♥ Pass 1NT
Pass 3NT All Pass♠ J 5
♥ 3 2
◆ A 6 4 3
♣ A Q J 6 3♠ Q 9 8
♥ K 10 8 4
◆ Q 10 7
♣ K 8 2♠ A K 7 3
♥ A Q 9 7
◆ K J 8 5
♣ 7♠ 10 6 4 2
♥ J 6 5
◆ 9 2
♣ 10 9 5 4Dealer South E/W vulnerableWest led a small Spade, ducked to East’s
Queen, who played a Spade back. A Dia-
mond to the Jack lost to the Queen, East
returning a Club to declarer’s Queen. A
Heart to the Queen and King came next, and
now East made the great play of a low Heart
to break communications. West’s ♥J was
taken by the Ace and declarer took stock. He
recognised these 4–4 fits, and how to test the
defenders. He led the ◆8 to his Ace, cashed
the Ace of Clubs and played the ◆4 back to
dummy’s King. When the ◆5 was led from
dummy, with only two cards left, East froze;
South had one more Diamond — he knew
that — but which one? If dummy’s 5 was
holding the trick, he must keep the master
Heart, but if South is about to win it in hand,
he must keep the ♣King. East got it wrong
and Ankush made his precious overtrick.Life_29 Feb 2020_The Spectator 56 26/02/2020 10:53