The Spectator - 29.02.2020

the spectator | 29 february 2020 | http://www.spectator.co.uk 61

Joshua should be careful what they

wish for. I doubt even AJ will relish

stepping through the ropes for that.

A lot of people aren’t so keen on

Fury. He has had issues with booze

and recreational drugs as well as men-

tal illness. He failed a drugs test (he

says his high level of testosterone was

due to eating uncastrated wild boar),

and has battled with obesity and

depression. He has also made some

choice remarks about homosexuality.

And if you’re not a fan, you might say

he’s been given a free pass because

of his frankness about mental illness.

I would say: give the guy a break. He’s

a heavyweight boxer from a travel-

ling community who was brought up

in a caravan and left school at some

ungodly age. He’s not a fellow of

Balliol. Let bygones be bygones.

B

efore the world plunges into self-

induced psychosis over VAR, we

should just bear this in mind: first,

the offside rule was introduced to

stop goal-hanging, not to measure

the amount some nostril hair was the

wrong side of the line. And second,

VAR was brought in to correct obvi-

ous howlers, not for forensic analysis

of a move, leading, if at all possible,

to the cancellation of a goal. After

another weekend of VAR controver-

sy chant, is it time to admit the sys-

tem is horribly flawed and should be

confined to Room 101?

T

hankfully, Tyson Fury is as

good at boxing as he is terri-

ble at singing. But he really

should pick on someone his own size:

he’s a colossal 6ft 9in tall and 19st 7lb

in weight. And he can punch. And he

can weave. And he can feint and dip.

And he is unbelievably fast. A three-

stone advantage is just not on when

the bigger man can fight.

Quite often exceptionally big men

can’t though. The Russian Nikolai

Valuev, now a politician, was known

as the Beast from the East when he

boxed. He was 7ft tall and weighed

more than 23st, the tallest and heavi-

est world boxing champion there has

ever been, but he wasn’t much cop.

Primo Carnera was much the same:

6ft 7in and 19st, but pretty moderate.

But Fury is big and, boy, can he

fight too, and the bout in Las Vegas

was akin to a middleweight taking on

a lightweight. Maybe there should be

a new category for fighters over 19st:

colossusweight, titanicweight? And

boxing fans eager for an all- British

reunification fight with Anthony

But in the surprisingly good news

about football department, what does

Pep Guardiola think he’s doing by

guaranteeing total loyalty to Man-

chester City? It’s hard to get one’s

head around it, but it restores a sliver

of faith in the still beautiful if slightly

tarnished game.

Meanwhile, in the typically bad

news about football department, the

fifth-round matches of the FA Cup

will all be held midweek, with no

replays: a further dismantling of the

tradition that once established the

world’s oldest soccer competition

as the most compelling in the sport.

Stand by for the whole FA Cup to be

held in a week in February in Dubai.

E

veryone who likes sport will have

a soft spot for BBC Radio 5 Live.

But the station should look to its lau-

rels. The feisty interloper Talksport

picked up the blue-riband broad-

casting gong at this week’s sports

journalism awards — and if I know

the talented, hungry people who run

Talksport, it won’t stop there. It will

be looking for more talent, and more

rights to key sports events. It has

already kicked Test Match Special to

the kerb by bagging some plums on

the overseas cricket circuit. The BBC

has a rare knack for dropping some of

its best talent — Cornelius Lysaght,

anyone? — so prepare for Talksport

to come aplundering. Seconds out...

Q. I adore doing jigsaws and these

days there’s an added bonus — by

posting my progress on Instagram

I can share the happy glow it gives

me knowing that I’m reducing

toxic screen-time habits. Recently

I begged to borrow a magnificent

1,000-piece puzzle from a friend

— a vast winter scene by Pieter

Bruegel. Setting to, I succumbed

to the meditative calm and

satisfaction of puzzling. After two

weeks of hard graft neglecting

pretty much all domestic duties,

the puzzle was finished, but with

a piece missing! This maddening

lost piece is an obscure blob of

twiggy branch that nobody could

love, but its absence mocks all

my efforts. I cannot be sure it

was I who lost it. Replacing

the whole puzzle is going to

cost more than £100 and I

feel fairly confident I could

return the puzzle to its owner

knowing they’ll never attempt

it again being such a monster

commitment. What should I do?

— L.O.G., Petersfield, Hants

A. Jigsaw puzzling is the new

low-tech virtue-signalling hobby.

But you will be held responsible

if the next person your friend

lends it to is driven mad by being

unable to find the one missing

piece. Puzzlemakers Wentworth

recommend the Jigsaw Doctor

(www.jigsawdoctor.com), who

can recreate the missing piece.

His prices start at £10.99.

Q. My NHS dentist recently had

to extract a large gold filling

which had been there for many

years. She replaced it with a white

crown. I did hear a substantial

clunk when the gold filling was

dropped into the metal tray yet

it was not offered to me to take

away and I didn’t like to ask as

it seemed rather a disgusting

idea. Also I felt grateful to have

an NHS dentist who charged a

fraction of what the same thing

would have cost in Harley Street.

However, I wondered — what is

the dental etiquette regarding the

ownership of gold fillings?

— Name and address withheld

A. Dentists collect gold fillings

and sell them as a job lot — which

is obviously easier for a dentist to

do than a non-professional trying

to hawk a tiny nugget. However,

the filling legally belonged to you

and technically it should have

been offered to you.

Q. A friend presented me with

a coffee machine on my 21st

birthday. I was thrilled but on

closer inspection I realised that

it uses non-recyclable coffee

pods, which, given my caffeine

habit, would produce an ungodly

volume of landfill. Can I return

the gift on moral grounds?

— L.B., London SW6

A. You are right to worry about

the footprint left by your vices,

but there would be a degree of

sanctimony in returning the

gift that would likely threaten

your friendship. One can buy

compostable capsules for all

major brands of machine from

companies such as Halo Coffee,

so you needn’t choose between

the planet and your friendship.

Spectator Sport

Tyson Fury, the

colossusweight star

Roger Alton

He can punch.

And he can

weave. And

he can feint

and dip. And

he is fast

dear mary your problems solved

Sport and Wiki_29 Feb 2020_The Spectator 61 26/02/2020 10:17