Frankie201803-04

As any barfly will tell you, humans have a complex relationship

with alcohol – but what they may not tell you (either because they

don’t know or they’re too busy wailing misremembered Red Hot

Chili Peppers lyrics at the general public) is that we’ve actually

been getting pissed since before we were even human. Our closest

primate relatives, chimpanzees and gorillas, were getting wasted on

the yeast in over-ripe fruit some 10 million years ago, and in doing

so, loading up on lots of extra calories. This gave the tree-dwelling

creatures a distinct advantage when it came to nabbing food in the

forest – few other animals can tolerate alcohol.

Not only can humans tolerate it, but our form of ADH4 – aka the

enzyme in our system that prevents alcohol from entering the

bloodstream – is 40-fold more effective than the ADH4 found in

other primates. This means we can drink all other species – even

those similar to our own – under the table. There’s one problem

with ADH4, though: it (along with its other enzyme buddies) digests

alcohol by converting it into acetaldehyde, a Grade 1 carcinogen

responsible for that jack-hammering sensation in the side of your

skull and the sweaty ham-like complexion you wake up with after

a night out on the grog. In other words, you get a hangover.

So, why do we love getting off our tits so much, given how violently

sick we can (and frequently do) feel afterwards? Well, before you’ve

reached the point of shovelling fries down your face, then throwing

them up in the same poetic gesture, alcohol will have sprayed

your stressed-out brain with dopamine – and since dopamine is a

neurotransmitter involved in controlling rewards and pleasure, a pint

or two can make you feel pretty ace. You also socialise better. A recent

study from the University of Pittsburgh comparing groups of drinkers

and non-drinkers found that the drinkers were more likely to talk,

smile contagiously and involve everyone in the conversation.

But just because you’ve downed a Jägerbomb, doesn’t mean you’re

the life of the party and/or a sex god – as much as the ethanol

may be distinctly telling you you are. In a 2013 study, researchers

discovered that nearly everybody reckons they’re more attractive

after they’ve had a drink. (This was also true when participants

had only been plied with a placebo.) What’s more, boozed-up

individuals will consistently rate their speech-giving abilities more

positively than when they’re sober – even if they categorically suck

(independent judges confirmed they did).

You’ll also need to go wee-wees more frequently than usual. That’s

because plonk messes with your brain’s production of antidiuretic

hormone, or ADH. This hormone has one job: to keep water in the

body. But booze blocks the nerve channels that secrete ADH, and

without it your kidneys become lame at reabsorbing water – thus,

fluids pass through you like water through a tap. There is no ‘seal’

to break, however; this is bogus drinkers’ lore. What gives you the

impression that you’ve ‘broken your seal’ is that it takes a little while

for the cider in your system to get around to suppressing the ADH –

but once it has, you can expect to be visiting your porcelain friend (or

popping a squat at the nearest dumpster) roughly every 15 minutes.

On the upside, a small amount of hooch could improve your ability

to speak a foreign language. Dutch researchers found that folks

attempting to master the local lingo had better pronunciation

when they were very slightly sozzled. That said, if you choose to

make alcohol a regular part of your diet, do so in the knowledge

that consuming between 14 and 21 units per week can increase

your risk of developing hippocampal atrophy – a form of brain

damage associated with memory loss and disorientation. So go

slowly into that good night.

science of boozing

DRUNKEN APES AND BREAKING THE

SEAL: MIA TIMPANO INVESTIGATES THE

EFFECTS OF DOWNING A TIPPLE OR TWO.

learn something new