Page 54 Daily Mail, Thursday, March 5, 2020

femail life

Only fools go to a Monday night

weigh-in. Sweet potato fries aren’t

as nice as chips. and why must

yoghurt be the answer to everything!

things you only

know if you go to

slimming clubs

by Claudia

Connell

25

4

Most groups will have a

husband-and-wife team. At

the start they will be happy

and supportive of one another. six

weeks in, when he’s lost a stone

and she’s only down 5 lb, things

will turn frosty. Eventually they’ll

start arriving separately.

5

It’s only a matter of

time before someone

will tell you the

cautionary tale of a very fat

woman who got thin... and

her husband left her. No one

knows if it’s true, but it’s a

good excuse to forget

about those last 5 lb.

6

EAch group meets on a set

day. choose wisely. Mondays

are to be avoided at all costs,

while Fridays are the most coveted.

You can’t let your hair down at the

weekend with the thought of a

Monday weigh-in looming. I’ll drive

ten miles out of my way to avoid

one. But I suspect they’re more

conducive to weight loss!

16

A l o t o f

women will

be wearing

jeans that fall down

when they step on the

scales. It’s not because

they’ve lost weight. Just

that no one wears a belt

to a slimming club. Belts

have heavy buckles, and

every ounce counts.

17

No MAttEr how

long you attend, the

‘table of interest’ will

never live up to its name. It’s here

that leaders place non-fattening

foods they recommend. At some

stage it will feature a diet version

of Ferrero rocher that Debbie has

made using Bran Flakes and claims

tastes ‘just like the real thing’.

18

EvEry group has

one woman who

loses and then

regains the same 2 lb. she’ll

have been there when you

signed up and she’ll be

there when you leave a

year later, at the exact

same weight. she seems

strangely content with this

state of affairs.

19

EvErY now and then a

solo man will join. he’ll

lose 10 lb in his first week

and will never be seen again.

20

At soME point you’ll

find yourself green with

envy that someone got a

tummy bug on holiday, meaning

they could stuff their face at the

all-inclusive hotel and still record

a 2 lb weight loss on their return.

21

IF You ever win slimmer

of the Week, your winner’s

basket is guaranteed to

contain tinned tomatoes and a

packet of sugar-free jelly.

22

You will develop the

sleuthing powers of Miss

Ma r p l e w h e n s h e i l a

claims she didn’t lose weight

because she was ‘celebrating her

birthday’. her fourth this year.

23

you will claim

your new exercise

regime is why you

haven’t lost any weight. A

Legs, Bums and tums class

once a week in the local

library is bound to build

huge, heavy muscles, right?

24

Your leader will say

there is no reason you

can’t enjoy good fish and

chips — just take the batter off and

have extra peas instead of chips.

25

EvErY woman needs her

group support pack. Not

to help you lose weight,

but to boost your mood if you gain.

they will form a protective semi-

circle around you and say things

like, ‘But your jeans definitely look

looser’ and, ‘It’s probably water

retention’. true sisterhood.

7

DEspItE being a middle-aged

woman with her own home

and career, you will become

ridiculously excited at receiving a

shiny sticker whenever you’ve

recorded an impressive weight loss

— and very envious of others when

you don’t.

8

Your food diary, which new

members keep in the early

weeks, will be the greatest

work of fiction since the last harry

potter book. page after page of

salads and soups, while all those

takeaways seem to have slipped

your mind.

9

supportIvE texts from your

leader are a new thing. At my

first group in 1999, we were

left to our own devices. Now, there

are ‘remember to stay on plan’

texts from your leader (who will

always be called Debbie or linda).

At first they’ll seem sweet. six

months in, you’ll want to reply with

a picture of your face thrust in a

box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

10

If you don’t like

yoghurt you’re in

trouble. Weight-

loss groups are obsessed

with it. Breakfast in a hurry?

yoghurt. Pick-me-up

snack? yoghurt. Alternative

to cream? yoghurt. Best

salad dressing? yoghurt. If

you never see a yoghurt

again it will be too soon.

11

WEIght Watchers and

slimming World have ‘free

foods’, of which you can eat

unlimited amounts. they include

chicken and eggs because ‘no one

is going to eat six chicken legs in a

row or ten poached eggs’. Know

your audience, linda — you haven’t

seen me at an all-you- can- eat

chinese buffet.

12

You will starve yourself on

the day of your weigh-in.

Weak with hunger, you’ll

stand on the scales in the hope

that a few hours of starvation have

cancelled out your two-day binge.

You’ll revive yourself with a g&t

(slimline) and a ploughman’s (less

slimline) at the pub next door.

13

Your leader could land a

job in the diplomatic corps.

like the one from my group

who sat smiling, saying: ‘We find it

does work for most people, carol’

when carol insisted she had stuck

rigidly to the plan, despite not

losing an ounce in six weeks.

14

EvEN if there are 100

women in your group, you

will never bump into them

at the gym. Instead, you will run

into the ‘slimmer of the Week’

while exiting McDonald’s with a

mouth full of fries.

15

You’ll be told to cook

everything in Frylight, since

it has only one calorie per

spray. they won’t tell you it takes

400 sprays to produce enough to

fry a mushroom.

W

I t h s p r i n g j u s t

around the corner,

the thought of peeling

off winter layers will

be sending people

flocking to diet clubs.

But ever since comedy show little

Britain introduced Marjorie Dawes, the

patronising leader of fictional slimming

group FatFighters, who told members to eat

dust, people may be concerned about what’s

in store.

let me enlighten you. You see, over 20

years, I’ve been to four different groups in

person and one online. I love the camaraderie

of diet groups, but I’ve been to enough to

know that the character of Marjorie Dawes

isn’t that far-fetched.

here are some of the secrets you

only find out once you’ve

signed up...

1

At FIrst, you’ll roll your

eyes at the ‘strippers’

— three months later,

you’ll become one. these

are the women who hold up

the weigh-in queue while they remove

almost everything they’re wearing, even

earrings, so they’re a few ounces lighter.

2

you will be lied to more than a

politician lies to the public.

sweet potato fries are just as

delicious as regular ones! Lie. you’ll

prefer courgetti to actual spaghetti!

Lie. one bite of anything fattening

will satisfy a craving! Lie. turkey

bacon tastes just the same as the

normal kind! Lie.

3

EvErYoNE loses 4 lb in their first

week... then half a pound in the

second week, despite having eaten

exactly the same things.

tough love:

Matt Lucas as

fatfighters

leader

Marjorie

Dawes in tv’s

Little Britain

Picture: BBC