Daily Mirror - 05.03.2020

mirror.co.uk THURSDAY 05.03.2020 DAILY MIRROR^35

DM1ST

DEAR COL E E N

you

say

our casual sex

is always great

but i want love

Dear Coleen

I’m a woman in my 30s and I have a

male friend of a similar age who

I’ve known for years. We don’t see

each other every week but,

whenever we do meet up for a

drink, we always end up in bed

together and the sex is amazing.

However, the next morning it’s

always the same thing – he says

“arrgh, I can’t believe we had sex

again” and then it’s a peck on the

cheek and “see you soon”.

Both of us have had partners in

the past, but we always drift back

together and there’s this kind of

unspoken agreement between us

that sex is never off the table.

I’m feeling more and more

miserable about it because I’d like

to try having a proper relationship

with him and the sex means more

to me than just a casual fling.

What should I do?

Coleen says

Speak about it! Tell him how you

feel and stop treading on

eggshells, worried he’ll reject you.

The bottom line is, you want

more and if he’s not willing to give

more, then I think you should stop

sleeping with him.

While you have feelings for this

man and live in hope of the

friendship turning into a romantic

relationship, you risk missing an

opportunity to move on with

someone else who can offer that.

He sounds happy with the

arrangement and you don’t.

And if you’re not careful, you

could find yourself in the same

position in your 40s.

Don’t put your life on hold – find

out where he thinks your

relationship is heading.

I have to comment on

the letter from the

woman who’s upset

her late mum left her money

to a friend who’d cared for

her (Dear Coleen, March 2).

Perhaps by leaving her

daughter the possessions

that meant most – her

wedding and engagement

rings – she was trying to tell

her it is relationships that

count in this life, not money.

Maybe if your reader had

spent more time with her

mum, especially towards

the end of her life, she

would not be in this

position now.

Lou, via email

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your problems solved

s e seems embarrassed to be with meh

Dear Coleen

I’ve been seeing my

girlfriend for about 18

months and it’s going great.

We met through friends

who set us up because they

thought we’d get along.

We do have loads in

common, as well as amazing

sexual chemistry.

My only issue is that while

she is really affectionate and

tactile when we’re alone, she

acts differently when we’re

out in public or with friends.

I’ve tried to hold her hand

or give her a hug when we’re

out and she always jumps away.

I’m starting to get a complex –

is she embarrassed to be seen

with me?

Do I not look the part?

Help – I’m beginning to get

paranoid about all this!

Coleen says

I usually get this type of query

from women, but my advice

would be the same.

Maybe she’s just one of those

people who gets embarrassed by

public displays of affection. If

she wasn’t affectionate

when you were alone

together but all over you in

public, then I’d be worried!

It’s frustrating if you’re

an openly affectionate and

tactile type of person and

your partner isn’t, but

sometimes you just have to

accept that’s the way it is.

And check in with

yourself – could this be

more to do with your own

insecurities rather than

anything your girlfriend is

doing (or not doing)?

If you’re happy together

and the rest of your

relationship is good, then don’t

turn this into a big deal.

And why not just ask her why

she doesn’t like holding your

hand – but keep it light or she

might get worried about why

this is such an issue for you.

Her son ditched university

and takes over our house

Dear Coleen

I’m a man in my 40s and have been

with my partner for two years and

we live together. My problem is her

20-year-old son has dropped out of

university and is now living back at

home with us.

It’s completely changed things

and the atmosphere is horrible.

He does nothing all day and goes

out with mates in the evenings,

and clearly has no plan for what

he’s going to do.

He’s my partner’s only child with

her ex-husband and she spoils him

• or more accurately, lets him get
  away with murder.
  He’s also sullen and disrespectful
  to me – it’s like I’m suddenly a
  lodger living in his home!
  His father is worse than useless
  and takes little interest in what he’s
  doing, so no one is guiding him or
  disciplining him, which I realise is hard
  with a 20-year-old.
  I lost my rag the other day and told
  my partner things had to change as
  he’s causing a lot of tension between
  us. I don’t agree with how she lets him
  behave and she never backs me up.
  She admits it’s not an ideal situation
  and wants him to find his own place,

but he has no money. I just want things

to go back to how they were and to

reclaim my home. Have you any ideas?

Coleen says

I understand how hard this is for you

and also for your partner because she

loves her son and probably feels stuck

between a rock and a hard place.

It does sound like she’s being too

accommodating – if he doesn’t have to

get off his backside and make a plan,

then he just won’t do it.

He has no incentive to change his

situation while he’s able to treat the

house like a hotel and get everything

paid for him.

I think the most important thing is

to work with your partner on this and

not against her. You need to have an

honest discussion about

where you go from here,

agree on it (even if it means

both of you compromising

over certain things) and then

present a united front to her

son.

From a mum’s point of

view, of course she feels

protective and wants to try

to help him. However, part of

helping him is to have

boundaries and goals, and

not to allow him to just lie

around all day.

If he wants to stay at home

until he decides what he

wants to do, then he needs to

start taking responsibility for

certain things and respecting

house rules – and you.

Kicking him out is unreal-

istic and not the answer if he

has no money or anywhere to go, but

he should have a plan to work towards.

Maybe you could take him out for a

drink and talk to him man-to-man

about how he’s feeling and what he

wants for his future.

It might help to start building trust

and even friendship – and make living

together in the short term a bit easier

for all of you.

“He’s sullen, I

feel like I’m a

lodger living

in his home