wellness
Q
I met my friend at university 10 years ago and
the pattern has always been the same. When
she is single, she’s always around and up for
doing things together, but as soon as she gets into
a relationship, she disappears off the scene. One time
I literally did not hear from her for two years, apart from
when she messaged on my birthday. She’s been with
her current guy for about 10 months, but I’ve heard
through a mutual friend that things are a bit rocky and
I’m bracing myself for the usual WhatsApp from her with
loads of kisses and a winky face, asking if I want to meet
up like nothing has happened. Part of me wants to call
time on our friendship because I’m sick of her using me
like this. I’ve always made time for my friends, even when
I have been in relationships, and I don’t know if the fact
she’s so brazen about it makes it better or worse. The
annoying thing is that I really enjoy her company when
I do see her: she’s funny and charming and generous
and we’ve had some really good times together. But just
because she’s good fun doesn’t mean I should let her
get away with behaving like this. What should I do?
Fed Up Friend, BathA
I did smile at the winky face. Your friend
clearly has some awareness of how she’s
behaving but, understandably, the charm
has started to wear thin for you. Most of us have
been guilty at some point of dumping our friends
for a new love interest. It starts to threaten the
friendship code when it becomes a modus operandi.
You are completely entitled to feel the way that you
do, but before you cut off a decade-long friendship,
let’s have a deeper look at what’s going on.
You’re also right that friendship shouldn’t be used
for one person’s convenience. I would say you are
justified to jump ship when a friend habitually
vanishes from your life every time a new partner
comes along, before turning up again expecting
your time and attention and all the other benefits
of friendship, without putting in any of the“My friend drops me as soon as
she gets a new boyfriend”
It’s easy for friends to disappear from our lives when circumstances change, but
friendship is complicated and, if it’s important to you, can weather most stormsgroundwork. That’s not how it works, sorry. Do you
feel your friend is guilty of this, or could you call
her if you were going through a crisis, or had some
good news to share?
It’s quite common for friends to disappear from
our lives for the domestic, daily stuff. Good friends
can go weeks, months, years without seeing each
other, but with the knowledge that they have things
in common, shared experiences and the complicit
understanding that they’re there for each other
if needs be. Your friend still texted you on your
birthday during her two-year hiatus, so she
obviously keeps you in mind. Sometimes it’s enough
to know that we have the unspoken support of our
friends without them actually showing it. Maybe
that sounds like a bit of a cop-out but I think that’s
the reality of many modern friendships.
The other big thing here is, could you just accept
your friend for who she is? She obviously brings
lots of good things to your life (when she’s in it).
Sometimes we can’t put all of our expectations and
needs into one friendship. You want consistency
and commitment, but your pal can’t (or won’t) give
you that. Can you get over that and look for what
you need in other friendships? You could sit down
and have an honest chat with her, but the bottom
line is this is probably how she operates as a friend.
If you did cut her out, would your life be richer or
poorer for it? Once you work that out, and if you
can make peace with her version of what friendship
looks like, you will have your answer.DEAR AUNT JOSEPHINE
Josephine Carnegie holds a
certificate in holistic counselling
and is best known for giving good
advice (@dearauntjosephine).
Ask Aunt Josephine a question by
emailing [email protected]
Unfortunately, Aunt Josephine can’t
enter into personal correspondence.