D
oubt kills more dreams than failure
ever will,” according to the quote by
Suzy Kassem. Sometimes it can feel
like that dream is a videogame. Each
level comes with an end boss to beat.
However, when the prize is a dream job or a hard-
earned qualification, the stakes are a bit higher.
In the early weeks of my counselling course,
doubt hit me hard. The group was beginning to
form in the way that only groups do, with the
extroverts dominating discussions, making us all
laugh... and me? Well, I pondered my place within
the group. As one of the more mature students
(I’m 43 ), I felt old. Shy. Nervous. After a couple
of sessions I confided in a friend. “Oh, you’re slap
bang in the middle of the Storming phase,” she said,
referring to Bruce Tuckman’s ‘Forming, Storming,
Norming and Performing’ stages of team formation,
a model first defined back in 1965. “That’s just how
group dynamics work!”
She was right – and I wasn’t alone. In the next
college session, one of my fellow students used our
group check-in time to voice similar concerns about
feeling on the outside of the group but for very
different reasons. People soon joined in. It turned
out that most of us had spent varying amounts of
time in our own heads battling our own personal
doubts. This realisation opened up a massively
healthy discussion (counselling students are pretty
good at expressing vulnerability, on the whole).
Sharing these experiences of isolation resulted in
closer bonding, paradoxically. I left feeling relieved
that it wasn’t just me and curiously reassured that
a 55 -year-old model of developmental psychology
could explain much of our shared angst.
On reflection, I was glad to have a friend whose
wisdom on the subject really shifted things for me.
Often, doubts can cause us to look to others for the
answers. As vulnerability and shame researcher,
Brené Brown says, “I know I’m in trouble when I
find myself polling everyone around me about what
I should do, versus listening to my own thoughts or
just doing it.” Hands up, who else does this?Shifting careers is big, and with bigness comes
uncertainty. It’s how we deal with the uncertainty
that matters. Noticing our inclination to look
outside ourselves for the solution, our desire for
some ‘sign’ from the universe, or even becoming
aware of our own delay tactics – these are all
indicators that we’re unsettled. Brené’s advice?
“Instead of begging everyone in your address
book for answers, ask one or two loved ones to
remind you it’s normal to feel vulnerable when
you’re in a period of change. As my husband often
tells me, ‘It’s supposed to suck right now. Go walk!’
Uncertainty is a necessary part of getting where
we want to go.” It’s also unavoidable. There are no
guarantees that doing something new will work
out. There is risk involved, and no amount of polling
will allay your fears. Reminding ourselves of our
resilience helps though. When did you last feel this
way? And how did that scenario pan out? What did
you learn that could be useful this time around?
But some niggling doubts just won’t go away.
They may begin as a whisper that gets louder
over time. Society frowns on the idea of quitting,
equating it with weakness, but I disagree.
Ploughing on regardless when your doubts have
transformed into stubbornness, fear or anger is
never going to end well. Much like when you flip
a coin and get lumbered with the lesser of two
fictional scenarios, you might feel your stomach
lurch or your heart sink at the prospect of not
continuing. And if this happens, you know what
you need to do. After all, the opposite of doubt is
conviction and confidence. What powerful ways
to beat that videogame boss. Level up.Change is inevitably accompanied by feelings of doubt.
Sometimes, looking back can help us to move forwardWHAT IF I’ VE MADE
TH E WRONG MOVE?
working life
Lottie Storey is a Bristol-based
freelance writer, mum/step-mum
of six and a total psychology geek.
Now back at university, Lottie is
studying counselling and hopes to
practice alongside her writing work,
seeking imaginative ways to bring
the two together.Wo rd s: L ot t i e S to re y“