PART SIX
How to Differentiate the Power of Praise from the Folly of Flattery
Kids are experts at getting what they want. Perched on Papas knee, Oh
Daddy, youre so wunnerful. I know youll buy me that new doll. The next
morning, with Mama in the supermarket, Oh Mommy, I love you. Youre the
most bestest mommy in the world. I know youll buy me that chocolate
munchie.
From the hungry infants instinctive cooing as Mommy approaches the
crib to the car salesmans calculated praise as the prospect walks into the
showroom, compliments come naturally to people when they want
something from somebody. In fact, compliments are the most widely used
and thoroughly endorsed of all getting-what-you-want techniques. When
Dale Carnegie wrote Begin with praise, fifteen million readers took it to
heart. Most of us still think praise is the path to extracting what we want
from someone.
And yes, if its as simple as dolls from daddy and munchies from
mommy, it may be. But the business world has changed
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dramatically since Dale Carnegies day. In todays world, not every
smiling flatterer has the power to procure through praise.
The Malaise of Unskilled Praise
You give someone a compliment. You smile, waiting to see the warm
feelings engulf the recipient. You may have to wait a long time.
If he or she has a speck of suspicion your praise is self-serving, it has
the opposite effect. If your compliment is insincere or unskilled, it can
wreck your chances of ever being trusted by that person again. It can abort a
potential relationship before it ever gets off the runway.
However, skilled praise is a different story. When done well, it gives the
relationship immediate liftoff. It can make a sale, win a new friend, or
rejuvenate a marriage on a golden anniversary.
What is the difference between praise that lifts and flattery that flattens?
Many factors enter the equation. They include your sincerity, timing,
motivation, and wording. They also involve the recipients self-image,
professional position, experience with co pliments, and judgment of your
powers of perception. Of course it entails the relationship between the two
of you and how long you have known each other. If youre complimenting