Whena teenageboyinmycommunitycommitted
suicide,I satdowntowritetheparentsa sympathy
note.I pulledouta monogrammedcardandstared
atitblanklyforthenexttwohours. I could think
ofabsolutelynothingtosay.Offeringawrittenexpressionof
condolenceusedtobea stapleofpo-
litesociety.“Aletterofcondolence
maybeabrupt,badlyconstruct-
ed,ungrammatical– nevermind,”
advisedthe 1960 editionofEmily
Post’sEtiquette. “Graceofexpression
countsfornothing;sincerityaloneis
ofv a lue.”
Butinthesedays ofFacebook-
ingandSnapchatting,therulesof
expressingsympathyhavebecome
muddiedatbest,andconcealedin
anonslaughtofemojiatworst.“Sorry
aboutMum.Sadface,sadface,crying
face,heart,heart,unicorn.”
Trythesetipsformastering(orat
leastnothumiliatingyourself in) the
lostartofcondolence.1
Beingtongue-tiedisOKW hen
I solicitedadvicefromfriends
onsocialmedia,theoneover-
whelmingthingI heardwasit’sper-
fectlyacceptabletoadmityoudon’t
knowwhattosay.Onerabbisaid,
“Admittingyou’reata lossforwords
isfarmorecaringandhelpfulthan
writingpithystatementslike‘he’s
in a better place’ or ‘your child wassoperfect,Godwantedhertosit
besidehim’.”
ChanelReynolds’s43-year-old
husbandwaskilledina biking
accidenttenyearsago,leavinghera
singlemotheroftheirfive-year-old
son.Heradvice:“Ifyou’refeeling
theurgetopanic-talkandfilltheair
withclichés,don’t.”
Shesingledouttwoexpressions
thatparticularlygrated.Thefirst
was,“Atleasthedieddoingwhathe
loved.”
“Gettinghitandrunoverbya van
wasnothislove,”Reynoldssaid.
“Ridinga bikewas.”
Theotherexpression,“Atleastyou
weren’tmarriedforsolongthatyou
can’tlivewithouthim.”
“ThankGodwewereonlymarried
fornine years,” she said dryly.
“Dodgeda bulletthere.”2
Share a positive memory
Insteadoffallingback ona
shopwornphrase,sharea warm
orupliftingmemoryofthedeceased.
KevinYoung,a poetandcreative
writingprofessoratEmoryUniver-
sity, said that when his fatherdied,87