2020-03-01 Reader\'s Digest AUNZ

thecondolencenotesthatmoved

himmostwerefromstrangerswho

shareda recollectionofhim.“That

wasimportantformebecauseI real-

isedhisplaceintheworld,”hesaid.

“Yourealisethispersonhad impact

beyondyou. That

wascomforting.”

3

No compari-

sonsAvoidthe

temptation to

sayyouknowwhat

the other person

is going through.

Everyoneexperienc-

esgriefdifferently.

Whileyoumayhavefeltoverwhelmed

whenyourlovedonedied,theperson

you’rewritingtomayhavechannelled

hergriefintoworkorhyper-efficient

housepurging.

“Thisisnotaboutyou,”Reynolds

said.“Iheardthingslike,‘Iwasat

myfriend’shousewhenI heard,’‘I

couldn’tsleepallnightlong,’‘I cried

sohard.’Really?BecauseI thinkI’m

sadder.”Abetterapproach,shesug-

gested,istobeneutral.“Youcan

absolutelyexpressyoursadnessand

sorrow,butremove yourself from the

conversation.”

4

Don’tdodgethe‘D’wordsWe

havebecomeafraidtomention

deathbyname.Lovedones

don’t‘die’anymore;they’re‘carried

away’or‘restingpeacefully’.“Allthe

euphemismsmake my skin crawl,”

onefriendgriped.Considerfollowing

theleadofapolicesupportwebsite

thatadviseslawenforcementofficials

doingdeathnotificationtouse“sim-

ple,straightforwardlanguage”.

“Don’t beafraidtousethe‘D’

words– dead,diedor

death.Termssuchas

‘expired’,‘passedon’

or‘lost’are words of

den ia l.”

5

GetrealGriev-

ers hear so

manyvacuous

phrasesthatalittle

straighttalkcanbe

awelcomerelief.Foodwriterand

editorJaneLear,whocollectseti-

quettebooks,prefersthemodelout-

linedbyMillicentFenwickinVogue’s

BookofEtiquette, publishedin1948.

Firstanexpressionofsympathy(“I

wassosorrytohear...”).Seconda

wordaboutthedeceased.Finallyan

expressionofcomfort.

“Thisallmakesperfectsense,”she

said,“butI thinkmyfavouritenote

uponthedeathofmybrotherwas

fromoneofmyclosestfriends.‘My

dearJane,’hewrote.‘ITSTINKS.’”

6

FacebookisnotenoughThese

daysmanypeoplefirstlearn

ofthedeathofa friend’sloved

oneviasocialmedia.Theinstinctto

posta commentordashoffanemail

isunderstandable.Buteveryone

I spoke with agreed on one point:

READER’S DIGEST

Avoid the

temptation to

say youknow

what theother

person is going

through

88 March 2020