2019-05-01+The+Australian+Womens+Weekly

98 The Australian Women’s Weekly | MAY 2019

ILLUSTRATION BY BRENT WILSON @THEILLUSTRATIONROOM.COM.AU.

Humour

ABOUTTHEWRITER AmandaBlairlivesinAdelaidewithherfourchildrenanda husbandshequitelikeswhensheseeshim.

T

is witha heavyheart

I informyouofthe

endingofa close

domesticrelationship.

I’m thrilled we had 11

(mostly) happy years together.

There were initial signs it was

falling apart which I ignored

• noises, rumblings – then I couldn’t
  turn it on anymore. It was finished.
  Could it be repaired? My husband
  said it was time to let go but ultimately
  it was my decision, he wanted no
  responsibility. Left to my own devices,
  it was easy to choose the device I wanted


• a front loader.
  I was so excited about this purchase.
  You may think I jest but nothing makes
  me happier than a clean load flapping
  on the line. I adore sniffing all the scented
  laundry products in the supermarket

andaminstantly

gratifiedbeyond my

wildestdreams by

successfulspot stain

removal. Stains are my Everest.

So damn it, I wanted the

Tenzing Norgay of washing

machines to help me get there.

The man in the shop was very obliging,

pointing out all the latest technological

advances in the world-o-whitegoods,

including spin speeds, wash rhythms

and a list of bespoke garment cycles that

had my head spinning faster than a

stainless steel waffle weave internal drum.

There’s even a machine that has the

detergent BUILT INTO THE MACHINE,

so you don’t have to slow down your

precious laundry time messily measuring

out powder and wondering if it’s really

enough. Don’t get me started on the

machine that has a “steam” function,

should your garments require just a

little freshen up. Uh huh, true. There

was a machine that you can turn on

from your mobile phone and one that

lights up when washing, which the

salesperson said was handy should

I wish to sit and watch the entire 3

hour, 25 minute cotton cycle...

I signed on the dotted line and counted

the hours until delivery, installation and

removal of my old machine. Not since

the birth of baby Jesus himself has

there been such excitement around an

arrival. Like a wise man searching for

a star, I too looked for a sign – a red

truck, which the operator conveniently

told me would be at my house, “anytime

between 7am and 9pm”. Due to this

convenient booking system, I was

forced to stay home all day but I spent

the time productively. I designed a

simple diary system able to be used by

all tradespeople and Telstra workers

that lists hourly appointment times

with a provision for phone numbers

to call customers half an hour before

arrival, so customers are free to get on

with their life and not waste all day

waiting for the delivery of a white

good or an NBN cable. Who would

have thunk such genius?

It finally arrived, all bubble wrap

and plastic film, and I set about getting

to know it. It soon became apparent

the washing machine has ’tude, thinking

it was the master and I’m the slave

and not the other way around. It won’t

wash unless I tell it exactly what fabric

it’s washing. It won’t change the

temperature unless I answer five

questions first. It won’t wash cold if

it thinks the garments require warm,

and it’s so precious it refuses to wash

if it thinks I’ve “unbalanced” the load.

Worst of all, when it finishes it beeps

so loudly and incessantly I’m forced

to drop whatever I’m doing and come

and attend to it, applaud its minor effort.

It’s like living with another demanding,

selfish, needy, bossy narcissistic

teenager. At least this one comes with

a 104-page instruction manual and

can be turned off occasionally ... AW W

WITH

AMANDA

BLAIR

Call the spin doctor

Will everything come out in the wash when

a brand new whitegood appliance arrives?