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A Message to the Fixers
Olivia Verhulst is a licensed psychotherapist in Manhattan, focused on
working with women’s issues, trauma (sexual trauma, relational and developmentalSo, why should we try to detach from the urgency to
take away others’ pain and let them feel their feelings?It gives people a chance to truly heal
through.
Think long-term relief, not just symptom relief.It gives people an opportunity to
develop coping tools and tolerance for
the next, inevitable painful experience.
These moments are where learning happens—about the
world and ourselves—and where we develop life skills!Painful feelings are not “wrong”—thus,
there is no problem we need to solve.
Attempting to take others’ pain away may send a
message that those feelings aren’t acceptable.How you experience this type of pain
may be different from their experience
of their own pain.
I’ve found solace in this sentiment—knowing that I
may be projecting the severity of the emotion they
could be feeling.Pain is temporary.
Always.You might be projecting what your
mold of “equilibrium” is on to them.
They might have more space and tools for these feelings
than you think.A check-in question: Is attempting to
control their pain for them, or for you?
When we lack control over parts of our own lives, an easy
place to aim that energy is over others’ problems.A reminder that we can, of course, be there for others
in so many other valuable ways, including but not
limited to validation, collaboration on an issue,
listening, asking questions, physical presence,
and offering healthy distractions.A message to the fixers— We’re fixing
something that isn’t broken.It can be a radical notion for some of us that to
give a full life to our feelings—even the painful
and “ugly” ones—is healing. Though that concept
does seem to be catching on and registering
more the past few years on a community level.
What may not come as comfortably to us fixers is
detaching from the compulsion to “save others”
from their painful feelings.Though often well-intended, and perhaps rooted
in a place of deep empathy or high sensitivity,
sometimes the need to help, fix, and save
others may in turn be hurting them. That
urgency to step in and fix is deceiving. The
information we’re getting is “it’s hard to see
this person I care for in this amount of pain,” but
it can get translated to “they shouldn’t be feeling
this” or “they don’t deserve to feel this pain” and
then the famous “how can I take this pain away?”The fixer mentality can become dangerous for
various reasons—especially when it’s all tied
up in our identity or self-worth. What happens
when we take off the fixer hat and are left
with all the other parts of ourselves that have
gone under-acknowledged and under-nurtured?
There is much discussion the past few years
around burnout, exhaustion, and compassion
fatigue for those empaths and highly sensitive
people that chronically aid others in pain.
It’s raised important conversations around
boundaries and distinguishing between empathy
and responsibility. What we need to consider
further is where the notion of “feeling painful
feelings is unacceptable” comes from. Likely the
answer is different for each of us, and it may
start in early childhood.We also need to perhaps reevaluate what
is considered helpful. The fact of the
matter is giving others not only the permission
but also the encouragement to get in touch with
the painful parts of themselves is to give them access
to a fuller life. When we get underneath where
this compulsion or urge to “save” others may
come from, it has a lot more to do with our inner
psyches than it does with their pain.Olivia Verhulst | Licensed Psychotherapist
Instagram: @theinnerwork_witholivia | talkingforwellness.com24 MANTRAMAGAZINE.COM