49 MANTRAMAGAZINE.COM
Kristen Suleman,
M.Ed., LPC is a
mental therapist
based in Houston,And if I’m being really honest, in the past, writing this article
would have terrified me and I would have agonized over
every word and paragraph. While writing it, there were still
some instances when I noticed myself falling into patterns
of overthinking and self-criticism.And that’s OK. I can observe my thoughts with less
judgment now, especially since I have a deeper self-
awareness and insight as to how these developed. I can
take notice of them without becoming consumed by them.
In these moments, I give myself permission to practice
self-compassion.Moral of the story is this: you’re only human—you don’t
have to have everything figured out all the time. No one
does. It’s not possible. How freeing is that?It’s OK to not know what you’re doing at any given moment.“Is she
upset
with me?”“should I
text her
just to
make sure?”“Did she
understand
what I meant
to say?”“Did I sound
offensive?”
Here’s the thing: it’s really difficult to be vulnerable
or authentic when you are constantly trying to
manage others’ perceptions of you. And it turns
out it’s hard to feel really connected to others
without practicing vulnerability or authenticity. It’s
difficult to feel understood for who you are when
so much of your energy is spent looking like you
have all the answers or like you don’t need any
help from anyone.It took me a while to gradually unpack and
understand where all these inaccurate beliefs
came from and to unlearn some of my unhelpful
thinking patterns. Through personal therapeutic
work, I learned how to lean into a lot of my
discomfort and safely examine my anxiety. It was
a slow and gradual process. Sometimes the work
was hard and I didn’t want to do it. Sometimes I
cared too much about whether or not I was doing
therapy the “right way” ( PSA: the “right way” to go to
therapy is to go to therapy ).Thankfully, all of the hard work paid off. I learnedhow to explore problematic messages I had received
from well-meaning adults, and I thankfully learned
how to shift my mindset into healthier and more
helpful thinking patterns. I now understand that I
don’t have to know what I’m doing all of the time.
None of us do. It’s a completely unrealistic standard
that I could never meet—not due to a fault of my
own, but because it’s impossible due to the very
nature of being human.I also now understand how necessary it is to be
vulnerable and authentic and silly and real if I want
to experience the fullness of joy and intimacy in
relationships. I understand that I don’t exist solely
to please other people and to gain their approval—
my existence and purpose is so much more than
that.If I’m being honest, there are still many moments
when I catch myself falling back into unhelpful
thinking patterns. I can easily find myself mentally
reviewing conversations and situations in my head
over and over.It’s OK
to not
know what
you’re doing
at any given
moment.
It’s OK
to not
know what
you’re doing
at any given
moment.
49 MANTRAMAGAZINE.COM