2019-06-01+Woman+and+Home

T

heotherday,myfriendKaren

turneddownaninvitationto

lunchwitha neighbour.The

womanhadlivedacrossthe

roadfor 20 yearsand,althoughshe

andKarenwereonchattyterms,they’d

nevergotanycloser.Recently,the

womanhadstartedtextingdaily,

suggestingtheymeetup.“Shewants

todivorceherhusbandandsheknows

thatI’vebeenthrougha divorcesoshe

thinksI canhelpher,”Karensighed.

“Well,darling,”I said,“you’re the best

freecounsellorI know.”

“ButI don’twanttodoit,”Karensaid

firmly.“Itwouldtakea hugeamountof

timeandemotionalinvestment,andit

wouldbeabsolutehell.AndI knowI’dend

upsupportingherthroughit, whichwould

beexhausting.I’ddoit foryouif youwere

gettingdivorced,Alli,becauseI loveyou.

Thetruthis I haven’tgottheenergytobe

a friendtosomeonewho’snotmyfriend.”

I wastakenaback.Thewordssounded

soharshcomingfromKaren’sgenerous,

smileymouth.I knewthatshewas

incrediblybusywithherjobandfamily,but

I alwaysfiguredKarenwouldbeoneof

the very first to help someone in need.

ThemoreI thoughtaboutit, though,the

moreI couldseethatKarenwasn’tbeing

unkind,justhonest.Friendship– real,

meaningfulfriendship– takeseffortand

commitment.It’soneof themostprecious

bondsin ourlife,yethowoftendowe

giveit a thought?Therearemarriage

counsellorsandfamilytherapistsin every

town,butfriendshipjusthastotakecare

ofitself.I’llBeThereForYou, thetheme

songofthebelovedsitcomFriends,

is misleadinglyupbeat,if youaskme.

“Beingthere”forsomeone,actually

lendingpracticalandemotionalsupport,

is a hugething.A sweetresponsibility,

buta responsibilitynonetheless.

Cometothinkofit, maybethenicest

thingaboutfriendshipis thatwecantake

it forgranted.Romanticloveis anunstable

compound.Whenit’sfieryandnew,it can

blowupin yourface

at anytime.When

it’smiddle-agedthe

flamestampdownand

maygooutaltogether.

Friendshipis morelike

a garden.It hastrees

to shelteryouandflowersthatbloomyear

afteryear,bringingbrightburstsofjoy,as

wellasspreadingoutroots,whichprovide

thecomfortandconsolationofcontinuity.

I knowwomenwhohavegivenupon

gettingwhattheyneedfromhusbands

astheywithdrawintotheirsheds.(Even

if a middle-agedmandoesn’tactually

possessa shed,mentallyhe’slivingin

one,probablywitha largevinylcollection

ofGenesisLPs,trustmeonthis.)They

stilllovetheirhusbands,at leastsome

ofthemdo,butit’stheirfemalefriends

theyrelyonforthedeliciouspastimeof

worryingawayat life’sknottierproblems.

Andthenthere’sanotherofmidlife

friendship’sgreatjoys:comparingphysical

andmentaldeterioration,andsharing

ways to keep age at bay. We take turmeric

becauseit’santi-inflammatory.Weeatsix

almondseveryday(sinceMaggiehad

hermastectomy),andwalnuts(don’task

mewhy).WeslatheronWeledaSkin

Food.Wedoyoga,althoughmainlyto

havea nicelie-down.Andwelaugh.We

laughovertheembarrassingbetrayalsof

thebodyandourcreepingforgetfulness.

Honestly,if youcouldbottlethelaughter

ofgirlfriendsandsellit in Boots,it

wouldbeBritain’sbestsellingtonic.

A coupleof yearsback,I reallyneeded

myfriends.Barelya monthwentby

withoutsomefreshbadnews.I feltlike

I waswalkingthroughSniper’sAlley.S and

K FaceTimedonalternatenightssoI never

wenttosleepfeelingalone.L poppedin

mostdaysandsaid,“Thistooshallpass.”

H rangat thesametimeeveryweekand

gaveme 40 minutesofherundivided,

wonderfullywise

attention.M turned

upandletmesobin

herarms.J invitedme

overonSaturdaysfor

X Factornightswith

thefamily,theirwarmth

andunspokenconcernseepinginto my

shatteredself,gentlyrestoringit.

Youknow,it wasn’tuntilthestormhad

passedandtheshiphadrighteditselfthat

I realisedhowmuchtheyhadalldoneto

bringmebackfroma dark,darkplace.

AsOprahputit, “Lotsofpeoplewantto

ridewithyouin thelimo,butwhatyou

wantis someonewhowilltakethebus

withyouwhenthelimobreaksdown.”

Ourfriendsarethesisterswegetto

pick,thebandofsistersthatescortsus

safelythroughSniper’sAlley.“I loveyour

hairlikethat.”“Youcanborrowmine.”

“Courseit doesn’tlooktightonyou.”“You

mustreadthisbook.”Karenwasright,

I seethatnow.Friendshipis a greatgift,

butit takesenergy,commitmentandtime.

Well, it does if you’re doing it right. w&h

‘Being there for

someonecan be

a sweet buthuge

responsibility’

ALLISON PEARSON

OuR BRILLIAnT COLuMnIST On REAL, MEAnInGFuL FRIEndSHIP

If you could bottle the laughter of girlfriends,

it would be Britain’s bestselling tonic

phoTogRaph

TOBY COuLSOn/TELEGRAPH

getting on with it

woman&home IT’S ALL ABOuT YOu! 11