14 • happiful • May 2019
Writing | Becky Wright Illustrating | Rosan MagarI
t can mean many things to
different people but, for me,
emotional labour sums up all
of the ‘weight’ in a relationship;
things that need to be done, things
we need to remember. Things that, if
we don’t do them, who will?
While emotional labour can affect
anyone, it’s typically thought of as
a women’s issue, and has become
a popular way of talking about
housework and life admin. Certainly,
even in this modern age, it seems that
women take on much of the necessary
work in running a household. In fact,
a 2016 study by the Office for National
Statistics (ONS), found that, when
it comes to cooking, childcare and
housework, women in the UK are
responsible for 60% more unpaid work
than men. That isn’t just the odd chore
here or there.
But, that isn’t the full story of
emotional labour. The term was first
used in 1983, by American sociologist
Arlie Russell Hochschild in her book,
The Managed Heart. Hochschild
described emotional labour as having
to “induce or suppress feeling in order
to sustain the outward countenance
that produces the proper state of mindin others”. In other words, emotional
labour is when we pretend to be happy
when we’re not.SO, WHICH OF THESE
DESCRIPTIONS IS RIGHT?
OR DO THEY BOTH HAVE AN
ELEMENT OF TRUTH?
We can all handle varying amounts of
stress and responsibility as individuals.
The problem with emotional labour
is that it comes not from the amount
of responsibility that one person takes
on within the relationship, but from
the perceived burden this causes them
to feel. So, it’s not necessarily about
having responsibilities shared equally
between those in the relationship –
there’s more to it than that.
Yes, it’s incredibly stressful to take
responsibility for someone else. To
remember everything that needs to be
done, never mind actually doing it, can
feel like the weight of the world is on
your shoulders.
Relationship counsellor Laurele
Mitchell says: “A perceived difference in
the division of emotional labour within
a relationship, romantic or otherwise,
can have a negative impact both on
the relationship and on our mentalhealth. It can be a one-way ticket to
passive aggression and resentment, and,
frankly, it’s exhausting and unnecessary
to subjugate our own needs in order to
take responsibility for someone else’s.”
Have you ever felt unappreciated for
the things you do in your relationship?
Or maybe you wish your partner
noticed some of the jobs that need
doing around the house? Or are you
fed up of being the one to come up
with ideas for date nights?
If the answer to any of these questions
is yes, I bet you know all too well the
toll emotional labour can take.HOW CAN WE AVOID
EMOTIONAL LABOUR?
The important thing to remember
is that, although it might seem it,
emotional labour isn’t one-sided – and
it’s got nothing to do with the amount
of love or trust in your relationship.
But, the same thing that causes it
can also help you to overcome it:
communication.
So, no, not even a shared to-do
list really appeases the fundamental
problem with emotional labour. If one
person is ‘in charge’ of writing things
on the list, it assumes that they areemotional labour?
From the small things (thinking about what to have for dinner tonight), to
the urgent things (paying the gas bill), to the downright ridiculous things
(sending a birthday card to your partner’s grandmother’s neighbour),
many of us are au fait with emotional labourWhat is