Denise‘s Story
38 • happiful • May 2019Looking back now, I
understand what a struggle
things were. But as a child
you don’t always see the
bigger picture, or understand
the impact of words. It was
our first Christmas without
my dad. With hindsight, I’m
amazed we had presents at all.
Later in life, I went on to
devise and create projects that
helped to support struggling
families and individuals
through some difficult times,
and I won several awards for
my work.
Ironically, behind the
scenes, my own life was
falling apart. In 2013 my
relationship ended after 12
years, and I was left facing
homelessness and divorce.
I effectively became one of
the very people that I had set
out to help. My insecurity
demons resurfaced and I
started to spiral.
I moved into a caravan with
my cat, and a newly acquired
mountain of debt. Then,almost as soon as we moved
in, my cat got sick and had to
be put to sleep. He was all I
had left, and I was devastated.
A switch flipped as I walked
out of the vets, and finally,
what was left of my head
exploded. I slept with his
ashes for ages.
It was the beginning of the
end for me. I literally couldn’t
take any more. I pressed
self-destruct, and had an epic
mental breakdown.
My loneliness, loss, and
grief were overwhelming,
and I would drink myself
unconscious. I had disastrous
relationships, and was an
absolute liability and danger
to myself. My mental health
was shot to pieces, personal
hygiene became a thing of the
past, and I was talked about
and ridiculed.
By November 2016, I was an
alcoholic, emaciated wreck.
I wore the same clothes for
days on end, and slept on a
borrowed sofa at night, mycat’s ashes in an urn inside
my sleeping bag. I basically
had two options left: seek
professional help and try to
get well, or carry on drinking
myself to death.
I chose to get help, and
on 29 November 2016 I
was admitted to detox,
barely weighing anything.
My skin was grey and
my hair was falling out.
The first night I was too
drunk to be medicated,
and having nightmares and
hallucinations. Thankfully, the
next day I was able to start the
detox process.
I stuck to the programme
religiously, knowing that my
life was in the balance. After
six weeks I was moved into
rehab, where I spent the next
three months trying to adapt
to a life without alcohol. After
that, I left rehab and moved
into a homeless hostel in
March 2017.
I was struggling to deal
with everything that hadhappened, and a friend of
mine encouraged me to write,
saying that it would be good
for me. She built me a basic
website to get me started, and,
despite an initial confidence
crisis, ‘Just A Girl – My life’
was born.
I joined Twitter, and talked
openly and candidly about
my journey, my mental health
issues, and my struggle with
addiction. People read my
work, and shared their own
stories and struggles, which in
turn gave me the confidence to
carry on.
I started to write for
magazines and made podcasts,
then we produced a short,
dark, animated film – with
an original score and vocals
provided by Rick and Kim
Wilde – that documented my
depression and premiered as
part of the first International
Arts and Homeless Festival in
Manchester.
As part of the festival, I took
part in Manchester artistIt was the beginning of the
end for me. I literally couldn’t
take any more. I pressed
self-destruct, and had an epic
mental breakdown
Denise began blogging about
her experience during her
recovery