Ask the experts
Lee Valls, psychotherapist,
Counselling Directory member,
and clinical director of The
London Practice, answers your
questions on angerMy partner has become very angry at
what seems like everything. As soon
as she gets home, she’s snappy with
me and the children – they are starting to
ask what’s wrong. How can I help her, and
what can we do to change this?Q
A
Anger is often the tip
of the iceberg, and
there can be many things
happening below the surface- stress, fear, grief. It would
be good for you to understand
what is happening to cause
her anger. The first thing I
would recommend is that you
create a time and space for
the two of you to talk, away
from phones, the children,
and the house.
I suggest that you are
direct about the issue, as
you perceive it, but ask open
questions. Avoid language
that could make her feel like
she is being blamed (“you
make the kids and I feel
like...”), this could lead her to
become defensive.
Listen to what she says,
let her know you hear her,
and make a plan to move
forward together.
If she can speak with the
children after you have
communicated, that would
be the best outcome.
However, you may agree
to talk to them about
what their mum is going
through. It’s important
that everything is done in
agreement, otherwise she
may feel as though you
are all colluding against
her, which will magnify her
feelings.
Talking without blame,
really listening and coming
up with a plan together, is
the best way forward.You can find more information about Lee and his practice on counselling-directory.org.uk
If you need immediate support, you can call Samaritans 24-hours a day on 116 123
or email [email protected]Q
A
It sounds like your dad is
grieving, which can present
as misdirected anger. There is no
finite period of time for grief, but
there are ways in which you can
help him.
Start by letting him know that
you understand why he might be
feeling angry and that you are
always there for him. Let him know
you understand that loss is hard,
and must be difficult for him. Try to
offer to talk with him about this – if
he wants to.
Alternatively, speaking to a
therapist or engaging with grief
counselling could be beneficial. It
could help him process his anger,
fears, and vulnerability. He may not
feel like he wants to do this with
people he knows and loves, or he
may not know where to begin.
Cruse Bereavement Care have a
free helpline on 0808 808 1677.
You could leave him these details
as a first step.Since my mum
died, my dad’s
personality has changed.
He seems cynical and
angry, and isn’t very nice
to friends, family, or even
strangers. How can we
talk to him about this,
and what can we do to
help him?