For years, Pete hid his mental anguish behind
a mask of macho bravado. But it was only
when he learned to talk honestly about his
fragility that he found he could start his
journey back to health
Don’t man up – open up
S
itting in A&E, in a vast
white room, crying, and
utterly terrified to the
point of trying to take
my own life, I thought it
was all too much. I had been awake
for days, every moment adding to
the ever-deafening roar of anxiety.
I was underweight from not
eating and my fears were crippling.
Fear had eaten away at me, and
my depression had reached
all-encompassing depths. The NHS
and my family pulled me through.
Talking and being open helped in
that journey.
I’m a man. From an Irish family.
We didn’t talk ‘feelings’. My dad and
grandad never showed emotion.
The toxic black tide of masculinity
ran through my family like
Guinness. I’ve only had one hug
from my dad, and that was when
our team won at Wembley. We were
always taught to ‘be a man’, never
cry, always to ‘man up’ and fight.
So I never showed emotion,
always just got on with it. Didn’t
cry and bottled up all my feelings.Writing | Pete RuddyEverything got pushed down,
consigned to a box in my head.
I carried on, putting on a show
rather than revealing the true me.
I’d swing from high to low. I’d go
out and want to drink until the
next morning, be the centre of
attention and the life of the party.
I had to continually push my
body to extremes. I’d work a day
job, nine to six, then change and
work in a nightclub from nine
to three. To get noticed and to
avoid having time alone, I’d do
stand-up gigs in the evening,
finding it easier to make 100
people laugh than have to talk to
one person.
Over time, my anxiety and
depression got worse. At first
I just tried to ignore it, using
nights out, alcohol, and reckless
behaviour as a counterbalance
to the dark times. It was much
easier to have another pint, and
try to forget, than to confront
how I felt.
I needed to be in a relationship
continuously, I couldn’t be alone.
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