On the list of random happenstances that can ruin a perfectly good
day, running into an ex is right up there with getting a catastrophic
haircut; locking yourself out of your house; or getting bitten by a
werewolf. One minute you’re going about your business, feeling OK
about your life and choices, the next – bam. When there’s no option
to dissolve your body into a puddle of unobtrusive liquid, how do you
handle this rude imposition?
RUN A few years ago I was browsing in the supermarket,
innocently comparison-shopping different brands of jelly crystals,
when I glimpsed an ex through the gaps in the shelves. I froze like a
hunted deer. As soon as he turned around, I dropped my basket and
sprinted out of the building. Propelled by a wave of adrenaline, I ran
two blocks down the street and stopped inside a convenience store
to catch my breath. Only ancient hunter-gatherers escaping capture
by roaming apex predators know the high of relief I felt at that
moment. Three minutes later, as the fight-or-flight response wore
off, I discovered the downside of panicking and fleeing when you see
your ex at the supermarket: a bone-deep sense of shame.
PRETEND TO BE MARRIED AND PREGNANT Obviously this
approach works best if you have the right biological configuration
to support pregnancy, but there are probably some womb-free folks
out there with enough natural charisma to pull it off regardless.
The objective here is to present a gleaming mask of middle- classnormality, so your ex knows you’re capable of achieving the
irrational and arbitrary milestones that our culture considers
markers of social success. Pat your belly like there’s something
in there other than the box of Jatz crackers you ate for lunch at
4.30pm. Mention your involvement in a book club, neighbourhood
watch patrol, or children’s sporting team. Do not shout, “It’s all
lies!” or “My life is a shambles,” no matter how much you want to.
USE A DOGCountless medieval wars were won using the human
shield strategy, where an individual (or a few hundred) endowed
with undeniable personhood sacrifices their life to protect some
inbred feudal despot from the violent death they so richly deserve.
Taking a dog somewhere you’re likely to run into an ex is just like
that, except it’s even worse, because the innocent dog loves and
trusts you. That’s the downside. The upside is that it will almost
definitely defuse tension – that’s just the power of pups.
BE VERY IMPRESSIVE If you know beforehand that your ex will be
present somewhere you will also be present, you can always give
yourself a good preening and strut around like a prize hog to let
them know they absolutely do not still live in your mind rent-free.
Have you been putting off learning how to apply false eyelashes?
Do you own a gaudy, bedazzled outfit that makes you look like a
sexual disco ball? Now’s the time. The real trick to this tactic is
taming the little voice inside you that says, “Why do you even care
what this person thinks when you dumped them a year ago for
having awful personal hygiene?” Shut up, little voice. Just let me
get on with being devastatingly attractive and extremely pathetic.
GO NUCLEARStatistically, most people are likely to forget all
pretense of holding it together, instead losing it in a spectacular
fashion. The options here are many: fall at your ex’s feet, sobbing and
begging to be taken back; fly into a rage and kick them in the shins
until police are called; run screaming into the toilets and refuse to
come out until the venue closes. Sure, you’ll regret it for the rest of
your life, and any third parties who witness your awful display will
be hardened against you, but sometimes you just have to speak your
truth. Try not to do this if your current partner is present.case of the ex
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU RUN INTO
A FORMER FLAME? ELEANOR
ROBERTSON HAS A FEW IDEAS.PhotoLukasz Wierzbowskinot-quite-right advice