UNDER THE MICROSCOPEU N D E R T H E M I C R O S C O P E
1
You don’t need to say ‘in the morning’ if
you use ‘a.m’. There’s also an argument
that beginning a story with the time doesn’t
have much impact on the reader unless it’s
instrumental in the story somehow. The
hour itself is less compelling than the detail
that comes after it.2
This is a good line. It has subtle
emotion and the teaser about not
coming back. That’s an effective hook.3
The fact of not being able to say
goodbye is another emotional jab. But
the comma isn’t necessary.4
I think it’s enough if she’s pacing. You
don’t need to add that she’s nervous.
Why else do people pace in their own
house, unless they’re practising military
manoeuvres? You also needn’t say it’s on the
floor; gravity dictates that other options are
unlikely.5
There should be a comma after ‘Trisha’.6
If she tried to whisper, does this
mean she did or she didn’t? Was it a
half-whisper?7
Again, is it necessary to mention that she
whispered for this reason? We already
know the others are sleeping so we can
figure it out. Moreover, not saying it adds a
layer of subtlety. The comma isn’t necessary.8
This seems like a pedantic detail
rather than a useful one. It’s as if
you’ve thought, ‘I’d better mention the
father in case the reader has been totting
up family members and wondered why
there’s no father.’ This is not necessarily the
case. It’s a minor point. More serious is the
narrative tic that has developed in this first
paragraph. Every sentence but the first has
a comma and then a dangling clause at the
end. There shouldn’t be a comma here.9
And here is it again: comma plus
clause. There’s some confusion over
whether they are outside hearing the car or
inside the house. In the former case, why
can they hear it but not see it if the engine
is idling and the car presumably parked?10
Okay, so they’re outside. The tense
should be ‘had been home’ (past
perfect) because the story is narrated in
past simple tense. Once more, there’s the
comma/clause tic.James McCreet applies his forensic criticism to the beginning of a reader’s memoir
38 APRIL 2020 http://www.writers-online.co.ukIt was 4 am in the morning^1. I kissed my two
young sisters on their foreheads as they slept,
knowing that I wouldn’t be coming back.^2
My older sister Linda had her own room, so I
never got to say goodbye.^3
My mum was waiting downstairs for
me, nervously pacing the floor.^4 “Come on
Trisha”^5 she tried to whisper to me,^6 so as not
to wake the girls up.^7 Dad would be home in
an hour, after finishing his night shift.^8
Outside we could hear the sound of a
car purring, waiting for us.^9 I looked once
more at the house I loved, that was home
for the last seventeen years.^10 When would
I see it again?^11
As we drove off, I looked at my mum,
who suddenly seemed ten years older.^12 I felt
so sad and guilty that I had caused so much
trauma to my family.^13
The journey was long and painful.^14
We drew up at the court.^15 It must have
been about 9 am now.^16 Entering this large
building we were ushered^17 into a stark room,
where we had to wait for another hour or
more.^18 I glanced around the room at the
faces staring into space or at the floor.^19
Everyone looking nervous or scared.^20
It was time to be called in.^21 As my
friend and I stood in the dock^22 I suddenly
realised that this was no dream.^23 I heard
the voices talking about me, strangers
deciding my future, people who knew
nothing about me and my life before
n ow.^24 About my happy childhood, my
lovely sisters and mum and dad, of the
street we lived in where we had neighbours
who were kind.^25 I was upset to hear my
poor mum^26 speaking up for me, saying”^27
she is a good girl really ... just easily led”.^28Under the Microscope
Patricia Roberts recently joined a memoir class and
is loving it. She left school at fifteen. The story she is
currently writing is about herself aged seventeen in
1965, getting in with the wrong crowd and how her
life changed after living with the Salvation Army.LEAVING HOME