UNDER THE MICROSCOPE
http://www.writers-online.co.uk APRIL 2020^39When I first saw this piece, I rejected it as a possible Microscope because I couldn’t see
enough wrong with it to justify an article. It reads well and the technical errors are
relatively few: mostly incorrect punctuation.
But then I read it again and realised it was a missed opportunity. The idea for the scene
is interesting and has a lot of potential, but that potential is lost in poorly structured
sentences, vagueness and some excessive telling. It needs tightening up.would have been correct but not remedied
the sense.18
As with the car journey, time is
compressed here. The character
would know it was an hour’s wait only
after the time had passed. Better to say
that the waiting period was actually
unknown. That makes it more stressful.19
This is a nice touch but I
think you could take it further.
Describing the harsh utility of such
waiting spaces would enhance the sense of
stress and expectation.20
But avoid stating the obvious.
Describe facial expressions by
all means, but let the reader infer whether
it is fear or nervousness. I also wonder
if there might not be a few hardened
delinquents who have been there before
and are not perturbed by the experience.
This would provide a good comparison
with the sensitive narrator. Also, the
sentence is not grammatical. It’s a
fragment. This is permissible (if done on
purpose, at least) but the correct version
would be: ‘Everyone looked...’21
It would help the veracity of the
scene if we knew exactly how the
‘calling in’ worked. A bell? A barked order?
A subdued comment or gesture? All of
these little details enhance the atmosphere.22
Wait... there’s a friend, too?
Why has there been no mention
of this friend up until now? Weren’t they
in the waiting room? Were they the car
the whole time but not speaking? There
should be a comma after ‘dock’.23
There has been no suggestion so
far that any of this has been a
dream or dreamlike. Indeed, it’s all been
very real. It reads like a cliché.In summary
24
The punctuation could be
tightened in this sentence, which
appears to ramble a little (see the rewrite).
Moreover, is it strictly true that these
people know nothing about the narrator?
It seems she has done something wrong
to be in court so there must be case notes.
What’s truer is that they don’t know the
whole story.25
The length of the sentence is
good, evoking the emotion
felt by the narrator. But the structure
is haphazard. Note how we begin with
‘about’ but then veer into ‘of ’. The
initial ‘about’ could have done the work
on its own.26
More telling. We don’t need
to be told that the narrator
is upset because everything so far has
underlined that. Nor does ‘poor’ help us
to understand the depth of the mother’s
condition. It’s just a label. Describe how
she speaks, her face, her mannerisms and
let us perceive that she is ‘poor’.27
You say she’s speaking, so it’s
redundant to add that she’s
saying something. There should be a
comma (or a colon) after ‘saying’.28
Capital letter for ‘She’. Also,
people tend to use contractions
when they speak, Thus: ‘She’s.’ There are
different conventions on where to put the
full stop in dialogue. I prefer inside the
quotation marks.11
The first paragraph suggested that
the character was never coming
back, so this seems inconsistent.
12
The sentence is a bit clumsy. The
dominant clause ‘I looked at my
mum’ is in a sandwich of subordinate
clauses that blur the focus. In such cases,
it’s better to rewrite (see the rewrite).
Also, the ‘ten years older’ thing is a cliché.
What is a better and more striking way
of describing the complex emotions being
felt by the mother?
13
This is an important line, adding
context at just the right point.
However, it’s somewhat heavy handed:
more telling than showing. I’d omit
the baldly stated feelings of guilt and
sadness in favour of mentioning the
trauma caused. The reader will infer how
tormented the narrator is.
14
What does this mean? It was a
bumpy road? What we’ve seen so
far has been a largely subtle evocation of
a tense situation. Shorthand such as this
minimises the emotion. Feel free to add
a sentence or two for the reader on how
long and strained the journey really is
(without stating it too obviously.)
15
A good, short punctuating
sentence that brings us to the
destination and also reveals what’s
happening here. Very economical.
16
Is the time important to the
reader? We’ve already been told it
was a long journey.
17
The grammar is confusing here.
It suggests they were ushered into
a room as they were in the process of
entering the building when in fact they
had presumably entered the building
beforehand. A comma after ‘building’
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To read James McCreet’s
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of this extract