THENEWYORKER,MARCH30, 2020 21
SHOUTS & MURMURS
LUCI GUTIÉRREZ
D
on’t panic.
These are the two most impor
tant words to remember. There is no cause
for alarm. The chances of you or some
one you know contracting the virus re
main extremely small. Though you prob
ably will contract the virus at some point.
Wash your hands. These are the three
most important words to remember.
We know we just said that don’t panic
were the two most important words.
But, if there were five words to remem
ber, it would be those five.
While you are not panicking, take
the time to wash your hands again. It’s
a simple thing we all do every day. And
that doesn’t have to change. Except for
the number of times you do it. If you
wash your hands, say, an average of five
times a day, keep doing that. But add
an additional thirty to forty times a day.
It’s that simple. There’s no magic num
ber. But close to fifty is a good place to
be. And don’t worry if you do it less
than that. Though chances are good
that if you do it less than that you will
contract the most serious strain of the
virus, which can result in death.
Again. What are the two to five
words we must remember? Don’t panic
wash your hands. That’s really all you
need to know.
A lot. Let’s add the words “a lot.”
Wash your hands more than you ever
thought a person could wash his or her
hands. Even if your hands start to bleed.
Which they will. It is perfectly normal
and not a cause for concern if the backs
of your hands begin to get dry or crack
or bleed profusely. That’s fine. There’s
no law that says you can’t walk around
with bloody hands.
This isn’t complicated. Some have
made it sound complicated, but it’s not.
Except for the complication of us hav
ing no idea where the next breakout
area will be. But you don’t have to worry.
It’s a big country. Though it does look
like the next major outbreak will be
very close to where you are right now.
If you follow these seven simple
words—don’t panic wash your hands a
lot never leave your home (let’s add
those four)—you will in all probability
be fine, even though you will likely con
tract the virus but will have little mem
ory of contracting it owing to your fever,
loss of consciousness, and complete in
ability to use any part of your body.
How much should you not feel the
need to panic? This much: you don’t need
a face mask. Think about that. Think
about how safe you are if you can walk
around without a face mask. And the
reason is that a face mask does absolutely
nothing but make you look silly. And by
“walk around” we mean walk around
your home, not outdoors, which with
out a mask would be akin to suicide.
But there’s no need to panic. Yet.
Lowlevel stress and anxiety are per
fectly normal during a global crisis,
which this is not. Stress is so normal
that most Americans are feeling it right
now. Which is a perfectly healthy re
sponse mechanism. And by “healthy”
we mean incredibly dangerous, since
stress is a leading cause of heart disease.
The good news is that if you continue
worrying you can avoid contracting the
virus entirely by dying of a premature
heart attack.
These few smallish changes to your
daily life—hand washing, wearing latex
gloves, not going out of doors, never
touching another living being—don’t
have to be painful. Also, where possi
ble, avoid surfaces of any kind, Trader
Joe’s products, and the earth’s atmo
sphere, since all of those things might
have been exposed to the virus.
Don’t touch your face, which is now
the most dangerous place in the world.
If there are four words to use as a guide
to remaining alive during this pandemic,
it’s these: don’t touch your face. Add
them to our list of other words. Don’t
panic wash your hands a lot never leave
your home don’t touch your face. Sim
ple. If you do that, you will have, at best,
a fiftypercent chance of living through
the night. And that’s great news.
Question: Is my mouth part of my
face, and can I brush my teeth if I have
washed my hands, donned surgical
gloves, unwrapped a new toothbrush,
and managed to rinse without touch
ing my lips?
The answer is yes. If you have a
death wish.
What if someone shakes my hand
against my will?
Don’t worry. That happens. It’s im
portant to go about your daily life and
do the things you normally do. As long
as those things involve not leaving your
home. Ever. Somebody shook your hand,
you say? You’re fine. Wash your hands.
But scratch the person first. Hard. On
the neck. Then scream. You could say
something like “You prick!” Or “What
the fuck is wrong with you?!” Some
thing like that. In fact, it might be good
to add those words to the most impor
tant words you need to remember during
this crisis. Then run and wash your hands
and then wash them again and then
pray to whichever god you pray to. But
don’t panic. These things happen.
When we said crisis just then, we
certainly didn’t mean a global emer
gency. We merely meant that the world,
as you knew it, is over. But, again, there’s
no need for panic. If there are roughly
nine words you should remember, it’s
these: This will all be over soon. Or pos
sibly never.
GUIDELINES
BY JOHN KENNEY
