2020-04-01_Total_Film

FADE IN:

INT: SANCTUARY

A reclusive ROBERT DOLITTLE JR. respectfully

mourns the death of his wife by playing mouse

chess with a gorilla.

ROBERT DOLITTLE JR.

Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Grunt! Snort. Honk.

GORILLA

Forget it. This film will be much more bearable

if we all just speak in English.

ROBERT DOLITTLE JR.

Well then, boyo, this ’ere Welsh accent is what

you’re getting then.

GORILLA

Oh God. Maybe we should do the whole thing

in howler monkey?

Queen’s maid of honour CARMEL LANIADO and

random kid HARRY COLLETT enter.

HARRY COLLETT

Help! I shot a squirrel! Please save him.

CARMEL LANIADO

Also, the Queen has mysteriously fallen ill and

her death will mean the end of your career and

this sanctuary.

ROBERT DOLITTLE JR.

Let me save the squirrel first. I respect animals

more than any human.

INT. PALACE

ROBERT forces an ostrich to carry him to the

Queen. He interrogates all the animals, including

a squid. It’s not clear how.

ROBERT DOLITTLE JR.

The Queen has been poisoned.

EVIL MICHAEL SHEEN

That is absurd! I swear by my suspicious goatee

that you’re wrong!

ROBERT DOLITTLE JR.

The only cure is a rare fruit from a mythical

tree that grows on an undiscovered island.

Let’s go get it!

EXT. KING’S CASTLE, MONTEVERDI

ROBERT breaks into a castle and negotiates

with a DRAGONFLY and some ants. Again, it’s

not clear how.

ROBERT DOLITTLE JR.

We need to steal my dead wife’s journal. The king

is her father and he wants me dead. Surely

nothing will go wrong.

They are captured immediately. ROBERT is thrown

into a prison with a vicious TIGER. He sends the

DRAGONFLY to get help.

DRAGONFLY

Quick, Dolittle is in danger, we need to save him.

PARROT

OK! Then, after that, we should tell him that

we can all understand each other, so he can

probably just use one language rather than

several separate ones.

The GORILLA saves ROBERT by kicking the

TIGER in the crotch. They escape, but then EVIL

MICHAEL SHEEN steals the journal and blows

up their ship.

ROBERT DOLITTLE JR.

That’s it. It’s no use. I loved my wife, but I give up.

KING ANTONIO BANDERAS

You loved her? Oh. Sorry I hated you. Here,

take my ship.

ROBERT DOLITTLE JR.

Great. Let’s follow Evil Michael Sheen, who is

luckily now going to the same island anyway for

some reason.

INT. CAVE, EDEN TREE ISLAND

They are immediately captured again by EVIL

MICHAEL. A dragon appears and immediately

starts killing people.

ROBERT DOLITTLE JR

Hello. I’ve never met a dragon before, but

apparently I can still talk to you. It’s not clear how.

DRAGON

I’m going to kill you!

ROBERT DOLITTLE JR

You’re in pain. I’m in pain too, because of my dead

wife, but your pain looks more intestinal.

He sticks his hand up the DRAGON’s arse and

starts pulling out junk. The DRAGON farts and

inexplicably shits out some bagpipes.

DRAGON

Ah, I feel so much better. Here’s the fruit you’re

looking for. Also, please let’s never speak of this

scene again.

INT. PALACE

ROBERT cures the Queen and saves the day.

ROBERT DOLITTLE JR.

Now arrest these men! I know they poisoned the

Queen because my stick insect told me. Again, it’s

not clear how.

THE AUDIENCE

OK, about that. We have a lot of questions...

FIN

NEXT ISSUE: BLOODSHOT

TF SAVES YOU A NIGHT OUT EVERY MONTH. THIS ISSUE: DOLITTLE...

SPOILER

ALERT!

6 0 Second Screenplay

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