afghanistanmale members of the family are confident the women will not be molested,
they generally do not object to them leaving the home for social visits,
shopping or work. The preference among families is for the women to work
in the state sector or with foreign agencies, since the environment tends to
be less of a threat. Many Afghans are keen to send their girls to school, for
education is seen as a high priority. In traditional households, women have
to ask their husband’s or father’s permission to leave the house and when
they do they usually go as a group for security, or will be accompanied by
a close male relative known as a mahram.
Most marriages are arranged by mutual agreement of the families in
question. More urbanized, educated families will agree to a love match
provided both parties consent to the marriage and are assured their future
in-laws are of equal rank, have a good income and that the husband-
to-be will treat their daughter well. In rural and tribal areas, girls are still
betrothed or even married as early as ten years of age or in their early
teens. Once a marriage alliance has been agreed, urbanized families will
often allow the couple to have supervised visits so they can get to know
each other, but they will never be left on their own. Behind the scenes, the
families negotiate the dowry payments to be made by the husband’s family
to his future in-laws. This will always involve cash and goods. In wealthy
families this can include gifts of land, fine carpets, a car or even a house.
The wife-to-be’s family provide her with a trousseau and other domestic
items such as clothing, bedding, a sewing machine and domestic utensils.
To celebrate the engagement, or shirini khori, literally sweet eating, there is
a party and this, and the wedding feast proper, usually involves hundreds
of guests. During the wedding ceremony, the bride is expected not to laugh
or smile, since to do so is deemed disrespectful to her parents, since it
implies she is happy to be leaving them. Traditionally weddings last three
days and can be lavish affairs with many families going into debt. Once the
celebrations have ended, the newly-weds usually move into the husband’s
family home where they will be assigned rooms of their own.
Custom dictates that wives are the first to rise in the morning and the
last to go to bed. Wife beating is still not an uncommon phenomenon, and
a man can theoretically divorce his wife by publicly repeating ‘I divorce you’
three times. Any woman who attempts to divorce her husband, however,
faces a bitter, uphill struggle and even if she is eventually successful she
will usually lose her children, since they are regarded as belonging to her
husband’s family. Levirate marriage, in which a widow is required to marry
her husband’s brother, is another common practice among some Afghans,
but fewer Afghans than in the past marry more than one wife.