128 HIS MAJESTY’S OPPONENT
December of 1937, Subhas wrote ten chapters of his unfin ished biogra-
phy, which he wanted to title An Indian Pilgrim. Influenced by his read-
ing of psychoanalysis, it was an elegantly written, introspective work
which illuminated the pro cess of individuation that was inherent in the
phenomenon of anticolonial nationalism. It supplied insights into the
roots of his rebellion against all forms of patriarchal authority, and
described his search for an ethics founded on the principles of ser vice,
self- respect, and sac ri fice.^126
Bose used three notebooks for the manuscript, which he wrote in
pencil. This narrative of the first twenty- four years of his life ends
abruptly with his resignation from the Indian Civil Service in 1921.
Even though he had a contract with a British publisher, his inability to
complete the work because of the call of duty meant that his account
of the pilgrim’s prog ress would not be published in his lifetime. The
outline he made on the first page of his original manuscript makes
clear that he had intended to take the story of his life all the way to
1937.^127 He was quite candid as he related the inner struggle he endured
in seeking the right path and in identifying the mission of his life. In
his adolescence and youth, he had tried very hard to sublimate or tran-
scend the sexual impulse. “As I have gradually turned from a purely
spiritual ideal to a life of social ser vice,” he clarified in a footnote, “my
views on sex have undergone transformation.”^128 His admirers’ overem-
phasis on values and attitudes he held very early in his life has con trib-
uted to misconceptions about Subhas’s asceticism.
In addition to a chronologically arranged analytical narrative, Bose
had planned to discuss his fundamental beliefs in three chapters titled
“My Faith—Philosophical,” “My Faith—Political,” and “My Faith—
Economic.” These were to form the final chapters of his autobiography;
he completed only the first of them during his stay in Badgastein. “Why
do I believe in Spirit?” he asked in his essay on his philosophical faith.
He answered that for him it was a “pragmatic necessity,” demanded
by his nature, his vision of purpose and design in nature, his grow-
ing perception of his mission in life, and his feeling that he was “not
a mere conglomeration of atoms.” Reality, too, seemed to him more
than a “fortuitous combination of molecules.” He was interested in the
ultimate nature of reality because, when analyzing experience, one had