“Honor your father and your mother”: Even though I said you should only honor
and worship me, honor your father and your mother! “And do not forget all his
bounties” (Ps. 103:2), for they brought you to this world and sustained [weaned]
you well until you grew up. And they worry for you and all their efforts are only
for you. And if you honor them and recompense them for their efforts, I will know
that you will honor me.^5This source instructs us that parents deserve to be honored because they
brought their children into this world and took care of their needs.
The sources and commentators do not distinguish between the obligation of
honoring mothers and fathers. A close reading of the commentaries, however,
reveals gender differences between the honor merited by each parent. Although
parents are mentioned together in the Ten Commandments, there is a clear hi-
erarchy between them. Most medieval authors follow the Mishna and the Tal-
mud, where it is stated that in cases where both parents compete for an honor,
one must “leave your mother’s honor and fulfill the honor due to your father
... for both you and your mother are bound to honor your father.”^6 This idea
is repeated with slightly different emphasis in a thirteenth-century commentary
on the Book of Exodus: “‘Honor your father’ (the father is mentioned first be-
cause he is the mainstay of the home) ‘and your mother’ (who gave birth to
you).”^7 This hierarchy points to a still higher authority, God, who is to be hon-
ored above both parents.^8 This commentary, designating the father as ikar
habayit(the mainstay) is striking, since traditional Jewish sources often present
women as the center of the home. This comment, however, also accords with
other understandings of the father’s role in procreation, as we saw in chapter 1.
The commentators also remark on the nature of relationships of children to
their parents. The classic explanation for the different order in which the
mother and father are mentioned in the verses in Exodus (“Honor your father
and your mother”) and in Leviticus (“You shall each revere his mother and his
father”) concerns gender differences. As fathers are “naturally” more feared,
mothers are mentioned first when speaking of fear. On the other hand, since
mothers are honored more, fathers are mentioned first in that context.^9 In this
way, one can learn to honor and respect even those who are not instinctively
respected and honored. The thirteenth-century scholar R. Moses of Couçy
rephrases the talmudic distinction as follows:
And when speaking of honor, [Scripture] mentioned the father’s honor before the
mother’s, because his [the child’s] heart is more prone to honor his mother be-
cause she cajoles him [with her] words. And the fear of the mother is mentioned
before fear of the father, because [the child’s] heart is more fearful of his father’s
scolding. This teaches us that both are equal in honor and in fear.”^10This explanation relies on the popular belief that women are weaker and thus
provoke less fear than men.