penances parents took upon themselves when their children died. These
penances consisted mainly of fasting, and both mothers and fathers took fasts
upon themselves. Such fasting was common practice and is mentioned in
many sources, among them, the writings of H·asidei Ashkenaz. People fasted
for a variety of reasons, often doing so on Mondays and Thursdays over a set
period of time. In the context of family relationships, the sources mention fast-
ing when children were ill or in danger or after the death of a child as a means
of atonement.
There are, however, some distinctions in the discussions of grief over the
death of children. The main distinction is related to the age of the deceased
child. A number of sources suggest that parents, and especially fathers, mourn
their elder children (those seven, eight, or even older) more than they mourn
their infants and toddlers. For example, in the story quoted above in which the
father continued to search for his dead son and attempted to call him back to
the world of the living, the son was of marriageable age.^73
The distinction between the grief felt at the death of an infant, as opposed
to that felt for an older child, is not restricted to medieval times; it is also evi-
dent in ancient discussions of burial practices. Children who died as newborns,
before they reached the age of thirty days were buried in private, while those
who died after thirty days were buried in a more public ritual.^74 Massekhet
Smah·ot also distinguishes between funerary procedures for children accord-
ing to their ages.^75 The medieval sources, however, contain few discussions of
these procedures and distinctions. In addition, Massekhet Smah·ot’s distinc-
tions revolve around the ages of five and seven,^76 the age at which boys joined
the adult male world and began their schooling. These distinctions are rein-
forced and echoed in the medieval sources.
The differences between parental grief for the death of younger and older chil-
dren correspond, to a certain extent, to the gender differentiations between the
“natural” love of mothers and the more spiritual love of fathers. Just as the father’s
spiritual love was more valued, so too, an older child, who can be educated and
is thus, a worthy recipient of spiritual love, is more valued. The passage quoted
above, from R. Judah the H·asid’s Sefer Gematriyot, conveys this idea:
There are people of whom it is decreed that their children will die without suc-
cessors, and they [the children] die at ten years of age and older. And why did they
not die young, at age one, so that he [the parent] would not be so sad? Because it
is known to the Creator of the world at what hour a person will experience great
sorrow and be condemned to die, and the son dies so that the father or the mother
will live. This is why the child lived until age ten, so that the father will be deeply
sorrowful, and he will be atoned for [by the sorrow] and live.^77This source clearly describes the difference in reactions to the death of an in-
fant and to that of a ten-year-old and emphasizes the greater investment fathers