How to apologize properly so that the other person forgives and
forgets
Apologizing is one of the most difficult interpersonal communication
situations. A few years ago, a team of researchers from Ohio State
University tackled this issue and played through a variety of approaches.
We translate their findings into strategies:
Use ‘I’ sentences
Apologizing means taking on full responsibility for something. Sentences
like ‘I’m sorry that your feelings were hurt’, or ‘I’m sorry that you’re so
angry’, should be avoided (because what you’re implying is: it doesn’t
have anything to do with me that your feelings are hurt). Say it like it is:
‘I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings.’ According to the research, a person is
most likely to forgive and forget if you admit full responsibility for what
you did.
Don’t justify your actions
It is a natural reflex to try to justify your own actions. But also an idiotic
one. Because a justification is in effect a denial of the apology. The
following sentences are particularly counterproductive: ‘Come on, it
wasn’t that bad!’ or ‘I can’t help it.’ The injured person will be more
inclined to forgive if you come up with a reason rather than a justification:
try to explain your action without being defensive. Most effective of all
are an explanation and an admission of guilt combined.
Avoid ‘but’ sentences
An apology in which the word ‘but’ crops up is almost never understood as
an apology but as an excuse. Avoid at all costs.
Don’t ask for forgiveness
Asking for forgiveness is rarely effective. According to the research, you
can spare yourself the bother. Nobody likes to grant absolution.