How relationships fail
An axiom is a valid truth that needs no proof. At the end of the 1960s, the
communication theorist Paul Watzlawick, together with other researchers,
came up with five axioms to explain how interpersonal communication –
especially in relationships – fails.
- You cannot not communicate
A man comes home, sits down, stares into space and is silent. His wife
looks at him and asks him how he is. He says nothing – and yet he
communicates something. It is immediately clear that something must
have happened. Even if you say nothing, you are saying something.
- All communication has a relationship aspect and a content aspect
The content aspect is what we say. The relationship aspect includes how
we say things, but also who says something (see ‘Schulz von Thun’s
Communication Model’). Who says something and how it is said always
weigh heavier than what is said. If we are offended by a complete stranger,
it affects us less than if our partner offends us. Also keep in mind Albert
Mehrabian’s 7%–38%–55% Rule. If we are talking to someone about our
feelings, this is the impact our words, tone of voice and body language
have: our words are 7 per cent, our tone of voice 38 per cent and our body
language 55 per cent responsible for whether that person likes us.
- Communication is always about cause and effect
A woman is annoyed because her partner is grumbling. The man is
grumbling because the woman is annoyed. In other words: we seldom
quarrel with ourselves – it will always take two to tango.
- Human communication makes use of analogue and digital
modalities
In Watzlawick’s terms, ‘digital’ means verbally and ‘analogue’ means
non-verbally – in other words, eye-rolling, a smug smile, ambiguous