How your therapist talks to you
What does your therapist do when talking to you? He or she makes a so-
called ‘second-order observation’.
A first-order observer sees the world as it appears to him or her: the
world is simply there. The second-order observer, however, ascribes what
the first-order observer sees to how it is seen. Important: we cannot
observe ourselves observing (which is also why therapists can’t treat
themselves). This is often referred to as the ‘blind spot’. In other words,
we are unaware of the way in which we observe; we cannot see that we
cannot see. So by identifying someone’s blind spot, the second-order
observer might open up a new perspective, and make that person aware,
for example, of the fact that he or she could just as easily see something
differently.
An example: a couple want to move in together, but she has one of those
flats that you simply wouldn’t want to give up: a great location, low rent, a
big balcony. And the flat would be big enough for two. He hesitates,
because he feels that he would be intruding and that it would still feel like
her flat. They cannot afford a new flat for the two of them. She sees only
the potential advantages of her flat, he sees only the potential
disadvantages. Both are first-order observers and are talking at cross-
purposes.
A second-order observer could give them another perspective: the
couple could move into the woman’s flat, but on the condition that it
becomes a shared flat that they move into as if it were new. This means
she has to first ‘move out’ of her flat, before the two of them ‘move in’
and refurbish it.
Despite the fact that most people constantly think about themselves, it
is impossible to observe yourself while doing (or thinking) something. We
can only train ourselves to be more aware of moments when we act or
think according to old (and bad) habits. But in order to recognize these
patterns we need a second observer.
We can’t see that we are seeing something.