338 Part III Humanistic/Existential Theories
we do anything for the beloved except accept him, be with him, and enjoy him. It
is friendship in the simplest, most direct terms” (May, 1969a, p. 31).
Harry Stack Sullivan placed great importance on preadolescence, that devel-
opmental epoch characterized by the need for a chum, someone who is more or
less like oneself. According to Sullivan, chumship or philia is a necessary requisite
for healthy erotic relationships during early and late adolescence. May, who was
influenced by Sullivan at the William Alanson White Institute, agreed that philia
makes eros possible. The gradual, relaxed development of true friendship is a
prerequisite for the enduring union of two people.Agape
Just as eros depends on philia, so philia needs agape. May (1969b) defined agape
as “esteem for the other, the concern for the other’s welfare beyond any gain that
one can get out of it; disinterested love, typically, the love of God for man” (p. 319).
Agape is altruistic love. It is a kind of spiritual love that carries with it the
risk of playing God. It does not depend on any behaviors or characteristics of the
other person. In this sense, it is undeserved and unconditional.
In summary, healthy adult relationships blend all four forms of love. They are
based on sexual satisfaction, a desire for an enduring union, genuine friendship,
and an unselfish concern for the welfare of the other person. Such authentic love,
unfortunately, is quite difficult. It requires self-affirmation and the assertion of
oneself. “At the same time it requires tenderness, affirmation of the other, relaxing
of competition as much as possible, self-abnegation at times in the interests of the
loved one, and the age-old virtues of mercy and forgiveness” (May, 1981, p. 147).Freedom and Destiny
A blend of the four forms of love requires both self-assertion and an affirmation
of the other person. It also requires an assertion of one’s freedom and a confronta-
tion with one’s destiny. Healthy individuals are able both to assume their freedom
and to face their destiny.Freedom Defined
In an early definition, May (1967) said that “freedom is the individual’s capac-
ity to know that he is the determined one” (p. 175). The word “determined” in
this definition is synonymous with what May (1981) would later call destiny.
Freedom, then, comes from an understanding of our destiny: an understanding
that death is a possibility at any moment, that we are male or female, that we
have inherent weaknesses, that early childhood experiences dispose us toward
certain patterns of behavior.
Freedom is the possibility of changing, although we may not know what those
changes might be. Freedom “entails being able to harbor different possibilities in
one’s mind even though it is not clear at the moment which way one must act”
(May, 1981, pp. 10–11). This condition often leads to increases in anxiety, but it is
normal anxiety, the kind that healthy people welcome and are able to manage.