CREATIVITY AND MADNESSwas slender, dressed as if she were going to a job interview. Her voice was
hushed. Sometimes it was hard to hear what she was saying. It was as if
she didn’t believe the things she had to say were important enough to be
spoken aloud.
May told the doctor that she couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t sleep, and
sometimes cried for hours at a time. She had stopped going to class, and
spent all day in her bedroom with the shades pulled down. It was clear that
she couldn’t function in the high-stress environment of the intensive course
of study she had signed up for, and she had taken a leave of absence. More
than anything else, she felt guilt. Always the perfect daughter, she now
believed she was a source of shame to her family.
When May’s family had first come to the United States she was just
a girl, but she learned to speak English quickly, and became responsible for
taking care of the entire family. She made sure the utility bills got paid. She
called a plumber when the sink backed up. And when her parents fought, she
was the referee. She believed that the happiness and success of her family lay
on her shoulders. She had to be a straight-A student. She had to be thin and
well-dressed. She wasn’t allowed to rebel like other adolescents. She always
had to do what she was told and was never allowed to disagree.
Her doctor expected her to respond well to treatment. She was cooper-
ative and smart. But no matter what he did, nothing changed. Her depres-
sion wouldn’t go away. When her leave of absence came to an end, May
withdrew from school.
It was a long time before May revealed her secret. She was abus-
ing amphetamines. It was the only way she could keep up with her stud-
ies, maintain a weight that was acceptable to her mother, and manage all
the chores associated with the family responsibilities she had taken on. It
worked for a while, but it was a coping mechanism that was destined to fail.
There were emotional problems, too. Having missed out on normal teenage
rebellion, a confusion of anger and resentment swirled inside her, and she
didn’t know what to do with those frightening feelings. Ultimately, the only
possible treatment for her was moving to a different city. She needed to put
many miles of distance between herself and her family before she could
begin to figure out who she was.