UNDER THE MICROSCOPEU N D E R T H E M I C R O S C O P E
1
There’s nothing wrong with this per se,
but is it necessary to specify outside? Why
not just say, It was dark?2
Evidently there’s a typo here and some
confusion about what the sentence is
supposed to mean. Who are ‘them’? Are we
talking about the sound of the rain outside, or
is it being heard inside?3
An obvious exaggeration for comic effect,
but Blackpool illuminations suggests
moving, blinking and coloured lights. Since
this story is set just after the festive period, do
we assume that there are Christmas lights on
in the house? Or are we talking only about the
windows? The exaggeration confuses rather
than clarifies the description.4
We assume that ‘buzzing’ is a reference
to the activity in the house rather
than the sound. However, the subsequent
description doesn’t mention any people
specifically. The effect is actually that the
house seems empty despite all the action.5
It’s a neat phrase, but what does it mean
exactly? Is it a whistling kettle? That
would make more sense. If it’s a normal
kettle, it would shut itself off after boiling so
the description seems overwrought.6
Again, the description is inexact.
Firstly, ‘spewing’ suggests a gush of
liquid rather than of dry slices. And how can
the toaster be spewing anything? Toasting
bread requires a frustrating wait before a
brief, one-off, pop-up. I realise that it’s
another exaggeration for comic effect, but it
doesn’t quite work.7
This is interesting. We can decide if the
banging is due to frenzied intercourse
or some impromptu DIY. Either way, it’s a
nice touch.8
But the structure of this sentence is
haphazard. Are we to understand that
the banging occurs only when the cat is
charging about or that these two things are
independent of each other?James McCreet applies his forensic criticism to the beginning of a reader’s comic novel
38 MARCH 2020 http://www.writers-online.co.ukOutside was dark^1 and the noise on the
rain was like someone throwing stones
at them.^2 The house was lit up like
Blackpool illuminations,^3 and buzzing.^4
The kettle was reaching fever pitch,^5 while
bread was spewing out the toaster.^6 There
was banging coming from an upstairs
bedroom,^7 while the cat was charging
around the house,^8 it sounded like a heard
of elephants were on a rampage.^9 The
bathroom was like a steam room^10 could
see yourself in the mirror,^11 with the gentle
hum of the power shower,^12 with great
sloshes of water landing on the tile floor.^13
All the celebrations were over^14 the tree had
gone out with the recycling^15 and that was
it another year over.^16 Now it was back to
the daily grind of work, school and a good
blitz of the house.^17
Hannah wasn’t feeling the school run
today. Why is it the second school was
back in season the heavens opened.^18 All
she had wanted to do was to just turn the
alarm off and say, “sod it not today.”^19
It had been such a lovely Christmas
and New Year, really chilled out.^20 She
had spent Christmas at home with her
husband and son and just had a few of
the family over for tea.^21 It was always
better that way so that no one had
the stress of cooking the turkey, with
several expectant people wanting all the
trimmings, getting excited about pigs in
blankets.^22 Lets just face it^23 Christmas
dinner is only a good old Sunday roast
with a few up grades,^24 more veg, more
meat a spot of weird jam for your turkey,
bread sauce and disgusting stuffing that
has been stuck up a dead birds arse.^25
You could have a Christmas dinner every
Sunday if you wanted just ask Toby (The
home of the roast).^26Under the Microscope
Jo Wootton is married with one child. She works
part time for a diabetic charity and is studying
towards a degree in health science with the
Open University. She enjoys watching stand-up
comedy and has always wanted to have a go at
writing a book. Her novel Make A Change is a
comedy about a bored housewife whose life is
transformed when she signs up for a course in
stand up.CLICK HERE
To read James McCreet’s
suggested rewrite
of this extract