UNDER THE MICROSCOPE
http://www.writers-online.co.uk MARCH 2020^39This is a significantly flawed piece on many levels. The most important issue is the lack
of grammar and punctuation in some sentences, without which the prose doesn’t flow or
doesn’t make sense. A solid understanding of basic sentence structure is important before
writing anything. One way of rectifying many of these mistakes might be to read the text
out loud, wherein the lack of sense should become clear.
The description is full of enthusiasm but misses its target. I’m a fan of exaggeration for
comic effect, but the images and sensation must still make sense or be precise in how they
evoke a scene for the reader. There must be an internal logic. A cat is not like a rampaging
herd of elephants. The first paragraph is a scene of frantic activity, but no people are
mentioned so the impression is, paradoxically, one of vacancy.
Narrative thread is another important area to focus on. Once you introduce the
reader to the end of a thread (a story, a description, a plot line, a theme, a piece of
dialogue, a chronological time frame) you need to continue with the thread at least
until you have the reader’s attention and interest. If the thread changes in the middle
of a paragraph, it disrupts the reader’s attention and can lead to them losing interest.
That’s what happens here with the veering back to Christmas time frame. What is the
focus: first day back at work, or what happened before? It can’t be both simultaneously- at least not in the same paragraph.
All of this looks very negative, but correcting these things will result in a sudden and
very noticeable improvement in quality. It’s better to learn these lessons early and master
basic craft. In some ways, this is the most exciting stage of learning to write, where progress
is seen in great leaps rather than in agonisingly slow increments.
The second is that it might have been better
to state earlier what time of year this is (if it
is important to the context).15
This is a totally different and
separate sentence but it appears
within this sentence without punctuation or
conjunctions or any grammatical reason.16
We need a dash or a colon before
‘another’ but it would be better to
rewrite the sentence entirely.17
This is a helpful sentence but it
might have been more useful towards
the start of the paragraph.18
‘Season’ isn’t quite the right word.
Vegetables or mating animals
might be in season but not a school term.
Moreover, why is this in present tense if
the rest of the narration is past? Even if it’s
her internal voice, it should be consistent
with the narrative perspective. Or put it in
quotes and have her say it out loud. The
sentence also needs a question mark.19
You need some form of punctuation
between ‘sod it’ and ‘not today’.
A full stop or a dash would work. A semi-
colon would be daring.In summary
20
We’re switching focus again
in the middle of a paragraph:
another flashback that disrupts the current
timeframe the paragraph started with. It’s
another ungrammatical sentence also.21
Again, the paragraph started
with her dread of going back to
work, but we’ve veered back in time to
another sensation altogether. Where is
the reader’s focus?22
Another non-grammatical
sentence. It’s really not clear
where the focus of the piece is. We
started with a description of a chaotic
household after Christmas, then to the
alarm and the first day of work and then
back to Christmas again. Where’s the
narrative thread?23
Who is speaking here? The
author to the reader? Hannah
directly to the reader? Is Hannah thinking
this to herself? Note, ‘let’s’.24
‘Upgrades’ is a single word and
should be followed by a colon.
It continues the digression away from how
the extract started. It’s intended as a comic
riff, but it seems likely that most people
have already noted that a Christmas lunch
is pretty much the same as a Sunday roast.
If we’re going to push that as a comic riff, it
needs more innovation.25
I do like the stuffing up the dead
bird’s arse, however!26
It’s not a strong sentence to end
on, and it leaves us far from
where the paragraph, or the extract as a
whole, started.9
Indeed, it’s not a grammatically
complete sentence – just a trio of
clauses. The herd of elephants is a cliché
for expressing noise. Nor does it clearly
or accurately express the situation. The
cat sounds like an elephant? The banging
is only in the bedroom. And not a single
person has been mentioned yet.
10
The repetition of ‘room’ is jarring.11
Again, this sentence is not
grammatical. It’s a collection of
clauses that are not connected.
12
The description so far has
emphasised the Bedlam occurring
within, so the gentle hum of the shower
strikes a strange note. How is it even
audible over the elephants? We’ve still not
glimpsed a character.
13
Why is water landing on the floor?
Apparently there is nobody in the
shower. Is there a curtain or a cubicle? It’s
really not clear what is happening.
14
This presents a problem on two
fronts. The first is that it seems to
have no relevance to what has gone before.
- If you would like to submit an
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