WHY ARE WE SO ANGRY? FE ATUREGET T Y IMAGES X2
HOWTO DEAL WITHANGRY PEOPLE: BY AHOSTAGE NEGOTIATORSuzanneWilliamsis a professional hostage negotiator who
has worked with the FBI and Scotland Yard. She has contributed
to the successful resolution of hundreds of kidnaps.In hostage negotiation, we have a mantra: seek to
understand before you can be understood. This is true with
angry people, too. First, check your own emotion, as it’s the
only thing you’re in control of. Don’t take rude or negative
comments personally and avoid escalating your tone of
voice to match the other person’s.
Allow them to vent, while staying aware of your safety.
Being empathetic will often calm them, whereas telling
them to relax or calm down will not. Maintain eye contact,
to show you’re taking this seriously, and don’t smile.
Proactively listen and try to understand what the issue
is. Challenge any threats calmly. Don’t say, “You wouldn’t do
that.” You can say things like, “Please don’t do that.” Don’t
say that you understand, as you don’t know what else has
gone on in their day. Instead, try: “So if I understand this
right...” to validate your understanding and their concerns.
When you think you’ve gained some understanding, try
to communicate calmly. “I see your point of view,” is a good
welcomer, or “That must have been frustrating.” If culturally
appropriate, using someone’s name can be a good diffuser
because we automatically defer when we hear our names.ALWAYS ON, ALWAYS ANGRY
The trouble with non-stop access to social media and news outlets
is that our boundaries, identities and values can be assaulted
whenever we look at our phones, turning all of us into tinder
boxes. “You could say that people are chronically wound up,”
says Balick. He likens this narrowing of our margins of tolerance
to what happens when we’re driving. “You’re in a state of mild
or high stress, so if someone pulls out in front of you, you’re
more likely to scream out of the window. Whereas if you’re in a
relatively calm state, and the same stimulus happens, you have a
threshold to not let it get to you. People who are exposed to angry
social media tend to have less margin to contain their anger, too.”
Balick has a special interest in social media, having
psychoanalysed online behaviour for his book,The Psychodynamics
Of Social Networking. According to Balick, anonymity is a big part
of online anger, with people being more likely to use anonymous
accounts on Twitter than Facebook, “You’re much more likely to
throw out rage and anger, particularly if you have an anonymised
account,” he says. Similarly, the relative anonymity and security
of being in our cars can beget shockingly abusive behaviour,
highlighting just how badly behaved we have the capacity to be
when we think we can get away with it.
The power of anonymity was shown in a famous experiment in
1970 by Dr Philip Zimbardo, now emeritus professor of psychology
at Stanford University. Female students were asked to administer
electric shocks to other students, but some of the shockers had
their identities hidden with hoods and poor light. No prizes for
guessing which group administered twice as many shocks as the 2DrAaron Balick likens
being on Twitter to driving.
When you’re already in a
state of mild stress, you’re
more likely to get angry